There’s barely enough hours in life let alone in a week to slowly make your way through your bucket list, so it’s time to take drastic action and start making room for the luxuries in life. Cut out dentist appointments, your teeth are probably fine. Grocery shopping is barely an essential so axe that – you can make some spectacular meals with the three eggs and ramen left in your pantry.
Moral of the story: Treat yo’self. Indulge in the finer things in life by blowing off your normal responsibilities, gathering your m8s and start living. You can sort your taxes when you’re dead.
If your bucket list is looking as boring as ya whipped fallen comrades, look no further.
Adventure Time
These may seem like staples on any average to-do list, but skydiving and jet skiing in particular usually fall under the “shit we should do but never get around to doing” category. Whether it’s because half of your friends are secretly scared to death of heights and just don’t want to dog the boiz, or it’s just a pain in the ass to organise, they usually fall by the wayside.
To remedy this, book now and think later. Nothing beats some good ol’ fashioned peer pressuring to get everyone involved and next thing you know, you’ll be plummeting to earth while praying for it to end and clinging onto your skydiving instructor for dear life.
Clean Shave
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve gone all Sweeney Todd on my neck with a cheap razor, I’d be able to afford a decent razor that doesn’t come in a bulk 24 pack. That being said, if you insist on maintaining your 50 cent shaving routine, at least treat yo’self to a proper shave at a barber once in a while. A credited barber, if you have to go down to someone’s basement it’s probably a trap.
As an added incentive, a tonne of barbers around Australia have cottoned on to the idea of bevving while de-bearding, so if you scope out your local area you should be able to find someone who serves you a nice, cold brewskie while they tackle your face forest.
Brewery & Bevs
Consider yourself a man of culture? Be prepared to put your money where your mouth is. If you’ve been to countless breweries and wine tastings only to bluff your way through the day by using generic adjectives to describe different alcoholic beverages, you’re definitely not alone.
There’s no reason why you can’t still enjoy a good day out at a brewery if your palette isn’t as refined as your buddies, just focus on quantity over quality. For added value, opt for a tour guide and you can learn some extra tidbits to obnoxiously drop into your next conversation. Nothing screams “superiority” like correcting your friend for mistaking a dark ale for a pale ale. Absolute rookie.
AFL Corporate Box
On the topic of superiority, this one’s a doozy to lord over your pleb mates. If you’re a footy fanatic or simply a fan of looking down on the masses while holding a $12 cup of warm Carlton Draught, you have to visit the AFL corporate box at least once in your life.
You’ll be treated like the king you are, and if you really can’t be bothered straining your eyes to see a brawl go down, there are a load of screens positioned around the box for your convenience. You know, if watching the footy on the TV at home is a little too povo for your taste.
Suit Up
If you’ve caught as little as 30 seconds of How I Met Your Mother, you’ll know that a nicely tailored suit is imperative to picking up. They may cost a pretty penny, but you’ll reap the rewards in any dimly lit bar you walk into.
More importantly, you’ll just feel better about yourself. There’s something about the novelty of having inner-jacket pockets that immediately makes you feel like you’re Daniel Craig or Pierce Brosnan without the impressive job, physique or overall charm. Still, there’s no harm in pretending.
Work Hard, PlayStation Harder
Before there was a steady internet connection that didn’t involve 30 minutes of listening to a maddening dial tone, there was little you could do to justify the purchase of an Xbox or a PlayStation that didn’t end in a passive-aggressive silence. Thankfully, now that there are multiple uses of a gaming console – including the essential online forum where you can verbally abuse 13-year-old punks from the comfort of your own home -there’s no steadfast argument for why you shouldn’t buy one.
If you’re still trying to keep peace in your household, maybe wait for one of those hectic sales where you don’t really save anything but the alleged ‘markdown’ on the receipt will still please your detractors.
Paintball
Remember that time your mate Davo pushed you off the slide 10 years ago? This is where you get your sweet vengeance. While not *technically* considered a serious sport (yet), you can still unleash your pent-up rage by pinning Davo down and repeatedly shooting him in the face. Legally.
After you’ve drained your bank account to live your best life (as you should), use the few bucks you’ve got left to grab a Maxibon Choc-A-Block. You might not be able to afford an Uber home but you can still drown your sorrows in the rich, chocolate overload that will almost immediately induce a choc-a-coma.
