Despite a great deal of fanfare and a general joie de vivre occasioned by an event that demanded a certain subsection of The 1% sit in an auditorium and give each other awards with no inherent value, today is actually a very sad day as it marks the end The 2015 Awards Season.
Awards Season is dead; long live Awards Season.
Now that The 2015 Academy Awards are over and heartfelt statements about great social injustice have been made, let’s take a look at the more important statements that were made on the hallowed mile of the Oscars Red Carpet.
Look, Anna Kendrick’s custom Thakoon halter is fine, but in my tenured and unequivocally always correct opinion, coral is to the colour spectrum what Kourtney is to the Kardashians: it definitely exists, but it’s also slightly insipid and ultimately forgettable. Lovely gal though, beautiful singing voice. A solid B.
Kudos to this year’s Oscars host Neil Patrick Harris for his impeccably tailored, chic and all around outstanding Brunello Cucinelli/David Burtka situation – a perfect fit for the role in every respect, except in the jokes department. Bye.
In the same way that Andy Samberg is truly blessed to be in the position where he can hold her hand, Joanna Newsom’s ethereal gown is also an Honor.
Alert, screen siren alert. Blonde woman Margot Robbie serves sexual Wicca vibes in Saint Laurent, a very strong lip and a Van Cleef & Arpels curtain tassel. It’s perfect.
My inner goddess cares very little for the charisma vortex that is Dakota Johnson and her ho-hum Saint Laurent, an apparent homage to the infamous 50 Shades tampon scene. Hard pass on you, Dakota Johnson. You too, mom.
Laura Dern brings the heavy metal Cersei Lannister realness in Alberta Ferretti and fucking ginormous Bulgari jewels. A time to live, a time to be glam.
Behati Prinsloo is making it really very hard to maintain the rage against Adam Levine. Both are wearing impeccable Armani – Privé and Giorgio respectively. Would spread them on a sandwich and devour whole to obtain their life force.
If you’ve ever wondered if serene Gallic goddess Marion Cotillard could make a sagging diaper high fashion, here’s your answer: an unequivocal mais oui. It’s Dior, the detail is exquisite and she’s so above it all.
Living for David Oyelowo’s daring oxblood tux and his heart-wrenching cry face during that incredibly rousing performance of ‘Glory’; dying for Michael Keaton’s duckface. Best men.
Felicity Jones is halfway to heaven in Alexander McQueen. From afar, it’s a shame then that the cut and colour of the skirt looks exactly like one of the triangles hanging on the photo wall.
On closer inspection – and in the hands of another photographer – the colour is completely different and a much more flattering time for everyone involved. It’s lovely.
Hannah Bagshawe has been the real +1 MVP of this year’s red carpet circuit, and tonight is no exception. Her husband, Best Actor Eddie Redmayne, is stoked. Like his Theory co-star, he’s also wearing McQueen and I’m inclined to think that she is too. Hit me up on my beeper if I’m wrong and we can talk it out over MSN.
In custom Givenchy Haute Couture, Rosamund Pike is equal parts English rose and the Mena Suvari dream sequence in American Beauty. Like, if people she doesn’t even know look at her and want to be her, it means she really has a shot at being an actress.
Every little thing Naomi Watts does is magic of the kind that Hagrid used to open the brick wall entrance to Diagon Alley. Now that I’ve said it, I can’t un-see it and I don’t want to anyway. She’s wearing wall motif Armani Privé.
You’re right, that is a little too much cuff but I’m thrilled for burgeoning movie star Miles Teller and his fembot prom queen with an obviously sparkling personality, Keleigh Sperry. Très dapper.
Zoe Saldana just had twins. She’s wearing a soy chai latte by Atelier Versace. Mazel, Zoe; jury’s still out on you, House of Versace.
Despite the Princess Elsa ice dancer vibes, I’m so happy for Chrissy Teigen, that strong lip and her Zuhair Murad. Also stoked for John, his Gucci tux, his adorable face and his Oscar [in that order].
There are over 6,000 pearls on Lupita Nyong’o’s ivory custom Calvin Klein Collection gown.
And she still manages to outshine each and every one of them. She is heaven.
Jesus H. Christ. I could legit study pictures of Sienna Miller all day and I would still have as much trouble naming her as I did when these photos first came through on the Getty wire, thus confirming my earlier theory that Sienna Miller specific face blindness is a real and untreatable condition.
She’s almost as much of a ‘Who?’ as Rita Ora. Almost, but not quite. Here, she’s wearing a fine but forgettable number by Peter Copping from his first collection for Oscar de la Renta, phresh off last week’s NYFW runway.
Best Actress forever Julianne Moore is a vision of freckled alabaster elegance in custom Chanel Haute Couture. I’m still crying.
R.I.P. Me.
Here’s Queen Cate in okey dokey smokey John Galliano for Maison Margiela.
It’s nice to see Rita Who-ra is capable of deferring to actual talent from time-to-time. It’s also a real shame her custom Marchesa, hair and makeup are all on point.
Until next red carpet, you personal brand ambiguous hack.
While Chloë Grace Moretz’s ear cuff says ‘cute teen’, the Miu Miu dust ruffle says ‘Let’s take a nap, I’m an octagenarian princess’.
My face when I see Reese Witherspoon in Tom Ford:
Reese’s face when she sees Reese Witherspoon in Tom Ford:
Gwyneth’s Ralph & Russo shoulder vagina is doing nothing for her particular brand of batshit extravagance. Great to see that all those napkin folding tutorials on GOOP are doing wonders for somebody, somewhere.
Next level blow out goals attained. ICYMI, that’s Our Nicole in strong look Louis Vuitton.
Jennifer Lopez, a single mom from the Bronx come good, has a mocha princess moment in Elie Saab. ~Yassss mami.~
Side bar: can anyone tell me why she was sitting in the front row next to Meryl? Like, should we refer to her as Academy Award guest of honour Jennifer Lopez™ now or does she just have great hustle?
Oh Solange, hunny, no.
Noble forest nymph Jessica Chastain is absolutely radiant in two for the price of one Givenchy Haute Couture.
Scarlett Johansson cuts a mean figure in Atelier Versace. ‘Mean’, because you’ll never look that good and don’t we all know it; also ‘mean’ because that emerald-encrusted flesh toned neck bandana is clearly an elaborate prank being made at her expense. Like, wut, is she joining a gang now?
Fight the enablers, Scar.
The incredibly vocally dextrous ersatz Julie Andrews ring-in Lady Gaga wears a dramatic Alaïa gown, the first of its kind on the red carpet. She’s also ready to get elbow deep in a cow’s vagina if needed. It’s a much-needed return to form. Welcome back, Stef.
This is how you do it, amateurs. Meryl in Lanvin.
J-Hud is a knockout in Ramona Keveza’s best Oscar statuette cosplay. 10/10, would froth again.
Kerry Washington has it handled in Miu Miu. Nffff.
Keira Knightley takes twee AF to a whole other level in floral appliqué Valentino Couture. Maternity wear never looked more expensive, enviable and ridiculous all at once.
Cute, but you could’ve shaved, Chan.
Not cute. It’s Givenchy and it’s getting old.
Chris Pine stole my face. Rude, tbh.
There’s beige in the water at Versace. When you couple Jen’s gown with Oprah and Zoe Saldana’s previous meditations on the vanilla Versace bandage dress, it’s safe to say that this lewk is well and truly done. Done well, to be fair, but also just done to death.
I’m done now.
Repurposing this GIF for totally justifiable reasons, as you’ll see below.
Emma Stone pours one out for the late Lauren Bacall in next level Deco-flavoured Elie Saab Couture paired with #tbt finger waves I would happily drown in.
Even if I could even, I wouldn’t want to. She’s a vision.
Game over.
Photos by Mark Ralston, Jason Merritt, Frazer Harrison via Getty; Meryl and Chris GIFs via Gawker
