Are you under 29? Are you having a REALLY SHITHOUSE SHITTY SHITTERSON time of it? Even though everyone/every meme/everything in existence is telling you that, in fact, your 20s are the ~time of your life~ and ~the best~ and whatever?
Well tell them all to shut the fuck up, because news flash from someone who is 32 – your 20s are beige at best.
THERE, I SAID IT.
Some things people like to point out about your 20s are: your body is the most bangin’ it’ll ever be. You can eat whatever you want and not feel sick/gain weight. You don’t have hangovers. You can party 40 times a week.
But what they forget is the constant turmoil of your 20s. The decade of self-discovery is literally that – working shit out, often the hard way. There’s highs for sure – but there’s also a LOT OF CRIPPLING LOWS.
But your 30s? Oh man. Oh baby. I wish I could go back to my stressed 29-and-a-half self and shake her, saying “goddamn it past Mel, you should be picking up your 20s and throwing them into a trash fire, not lamenting their demise!”. In this fantasy I also smoke a pipe and have a grey moustache and I am Gandalf.
Anyway, here’s what you have to look forward to. Much like having a shitty high school experience, if your 20s suck just read this list and rejoice in your future. K?
It’s BRIGHT. Trust me.
YOU WON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR BODY
You know how everyone’s like “ooooh 20s, amazing boobs, be naked as much as possible, abs everywhere”? Yeah cool if you’re a low-tier influencer or surfer or model, not so cool if you’re one of the normal plebs like myself.
Basically, the myth that your 20s bod is the best is bullshit. For some, maybe they get smacked over the head with the eternal-abs or whatever – but we’re not all universally given the body of Gigi Hadid at 18, OK?
That’s not even the point, though. Because after 30 you won’t GIVE A SHIT. You’ll have this boost of self-assuredness that makes you realise your physical appearance isn’t the be all/end all. It’s just part of your overall package, and that package is looking DAMN good.
It’s not that body confidence issues go out the window. Everyone’s got their shit, and sadly we’re always going to be accosted with dickheads and fuckfaces trying to convince us to hate our physical selves.
But for me, I just RELAXED. I started to accept things about myself that I used to detest, like the fact that my huge boobs meant I could never wear the cute/flimsy strappy tops and dresses with no backs. And that change in thinking helped me to see other things I’d always liked, but had been overshadowed by my body hatred. Like, how good my hair is. And how much I like my smile.
It’s a good feeling.
YOU’LL STOP DATING FUCKING LOSERS
Shittttt you guys, how many dropkick dudes/gals did you date in the past 2 years? Probs a few, hey. I relate big time – my 20s was an ocean of fuckwit dudes too focused on their image to give two shits about me and my wants/needs. Cue me running after them figuratively by texting 40 times when drunk and generally bending my life into a pretzel to spend time with them. YUCK.
I would go on dates and morph into whatever that guy wanted me to be. Cool girl? Check. Politically-aware girl? Yeah, here you go. Person who pretends to know the entire back catalog of LCD Soundsystem? Sure. I was hung up on guys who were sooo not right for me, but I’d make them right for me by completely changing my interests and personality!
I also had so many guy friends dating these bitch-ass women in their 20’s who would emotionally manipulate them into oblivion. What the shit?? I’d have all these amazing single friends, and my guy mates would insist on choosing the most insecure, sociopathic girls possible.
These days I literally don’t give a shit if someone I go on a date with likes me or not. I mean it. I just go in, full bore, with my true personality. I will tell you about my astrology bullshit, cults, true crime, and then wax lyrical about how I love Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Home and Away, the lot. I don’t care if you then think reality TV is for the basest of humans, BYE THEN.
Your 30s are this magical time where you own your shit and accept yourself, PLUS start to realise you’re worth. And therefore you start gravitating towards guys and girls who actually *shock* LIKE YOU. And don’t throw your heart in the trash can.
YOU’VE GOT MORE MONEY
Guys I don’t give a fuck what some old mate from Nimbin says – money is NICE. It’s nice to have money to use for other nice things. It’s absolutely not EVERYTHING, for sure. But fuck it’s nice to earn a strong(er) paycheck that means you can bin the stained, cockroach-infested share house couch you found on the street and buy something from Freedom that doesn’t smell like mould and death.
It’s also nice to: buy wine that isn’t “clean skin”. Buy clothes that don’t fall apart after three washes. Buy nice pressies for your Mum for Mother’s Day. Go on holiday and not stay in a hostel.
When you hit 30, you’re often settled into a career and starting to make bank. So if you’re living on ramen rn, just know eventually you’ll be buying Marley Spoon all the time and making meals with some sort of nutritional value.
I will acknowledge here that not everyone hits 30 and is suddenly blessed with wads of cash. But even if you’re still trying to make ends meet, you’ll find you become wiser with that cash. The years have taught you how to manage your dollars, so even if you’re not redecorating your whole pad in Matt Blatt, you’re likely to have a better budgeting system in place, so you’re less all over the shop with your finances.
YOU PARTY BC YOU WANT TO
Everyone thinks when you hit 30 you stop partying. FALSE. You’re still getting fucked up, the difference is you’re doing it because you actually WANT to go get fucked up.
When you’re in your 20s, everyone’s trying to get you to go to every club/bar/pub/event. And you feel obligated, because you’re in your 20s! You gotta PARTY! P-A-R-T-Y! EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO. YOU MUST PARTY. NOW.
This means sitting in clubs at 11pm when really, deep in your soul, you want to be in bed watching To All The Boys for the 40th time. Things then get slightly better at 1am for an hour, before turning to boring shit at 3am.
Sometimes these mega nights are magical out of nowhere. But mainly? An ocean of shitty nights where you spend money you don’t have on wine and hurt yourself bc you fall over drunk on the way home.
In your 30s you go have mental nights out when you want to, not because you think you should be. And when the night gets shit, you GO HOME. What a novel concept.
YOU BECOME SELFISH (IN A GOOD WAY)
FOMO? See ya fucking laaaater! I know I already talked about going out vs going the fuck home, but ~no to FOMO~ also covers other stuff.
For example. When your mate is going through a crisis, again? I’m not talking a legit big crisis, but the drunk-crying-over-a-guy-for-the-millionth-time kind? You’ll know the line between being a good, supportive mate and being a doormat. You’ll know when you need to stop helping for your own mental health and energy reasons. It’s selfishness, but not – you just know how to balance things in your life better. You’re still a good pal, but you’ve also realised that you need balance to even BE supportive to others.
Another example is friend’s events. FUUUUCK, you do not need to go to random-aquaintance’s-28th-bday, you know? You just don’t. You start saying no more often, so you’re not burning out. And it is LIBERATING, my friends.
YOU KNOW YOURSELF
It’s unreal how much of our 20s is spent adrift mentally. We’re always questioning ourselves, what we want, what we need, etc etc etc.
It’s not that you suddenly know everything once you hit 30, but fuck you know a lot MORE about yourself. Heaps more, in fact. For me, I worked out how to finally manage my mental health issues. I committed to seeing a psychologist and then committed to working on whatever she told me to work on. Two years later, I have a way better hold on my anxiety – but I’ve also been through enough to recognise the signs a thought is anxiety or real, you know?
There’s also less serious things you work out – what your favourite type of wine is (Pinot Noir, Otago region). What your favourite restaurants are (what’s up, Da Orazio and Buffalo Dining Club). What you like to do on the weekend as down-time (read in the park). And a MASSIVE one – what you like in bed (lol as if I’m telling you that, I’m not THAT much of an oversharer). Legit, best sex of your life – your 30’s.
Basically, you get to a point where you’ve done the trialling everything and settled on what you actually enjoy. So experiences are way better because, while you’ve lost a bit of the “omg! This new thing is amazing!’ you’re also firmly away from the “well I thought this would be fun to try but turns out I hate negronis”.
So once again – if you’re having a shitty 20s, there’s hope bb.
