Happy October! It’s nearly Halloween! If you want to be the kind of asshole that looks like everyone else this Halloween, here are some quick ideas for you: Bane. Sexy Bane. Catwoman. The Hunger Games. You’re welcome! But if you’re the kind of person who demands MORE from their Halloween experience – if you’re the kind of person who sees Halloween as an invaluable tool for gauging which issues and artifacts of popular culture have penetrated our collective psyche in the past 12 months – then read on, because boy do I have some high-concept bullshit for you! I mean, Halloween costume ideas. I have high-concept Halloween costume ideas for you.
1. Sensitive Tony Abbott
One of the best and most interesting lessons we’ve learned in the past few weeks is that our Opposition Leader is a SNAOL (Sensitive New Age Opposition Leader) (sounds like “snail” if you say it out loud). Thanks to his wife, Margie Abbott, we are now all aware of the Real Fact that Tony Abbott’s favourite thing to do is cry along to his favourite scenes from Downton Abbey, and that means it’s probably safe to infer that his second and third favourite pastimes are browsing Etsy for cute craft pieces and pinning shit on his favourite website, www.pinterest.com. Perfect!
Pay tribute to this wonderful man this Halloween/bring out your inner SNAOL by pairing a tailored navy pinstripe suit with the FREE BATES t-shirt Hugh Bonneville wore to a thing and this cute Australian flag ring made from a vintage Scrabble piece! Also, maybe make your ears stick out a bit or something. He’s a jug-eared fucker.
2. Vernesa/Sophie from The Shire
If there was one show that 2012 vomited up that turned into a major cultural touchstone but nobody watched because it was boring nonsense garbage, that show is undoubtedly Ten’s The Shire. Haha! What a pile of garbage. Dress up as the fleeting nature of fame, celebrity and our horrid existence in this dreadful world by adopting the garb of the only Shire cast-members anyone will recognise now that it’s gone to the big cosmetic surgeon in the sky: Sophie and Vernesa! Stuff a pair of pink balloons into the cheapest black lycra top Supre will sell you, and glue two cocktail franks to your lips. You’re done! For under $15!
3. Mike Ehrmantraut from Breaking Bad
One show you might have heard about this year is Breaking Bad. It’s a pretty good show, you should check it out! There are so many great costumes you could make based on the characters from this show, but let’s be real: dressing up as Walt or Jesse is Played. Out. Even Walt and Jesse are dressing up as Walt and Jesse.
If you want to keep it fresh, Halloween ’12 is all about Mike! Grumpy-old-hitman-kinda-looks-like-a-goblin Mike! Layer a collared shirt (doesn’t matter what kind) underneath a windcheater and source a pair of bone slacks. Next, you need to be bald. Shave your head or get one of those bald wigs. Finally, you need a white goatee. Buy one from a shop or just glue a bunch of torn up tissue paper to your chin in the correct pattern. Carry a gun. OMG u r Mike!
4. Christina Hendricks’ disdain for Kate Waterhouse
This is so easy! It’s just your outfit from last year’s Mad Men-themed office Christmas party plus an expression of utter fury tinged with contempt and a hint of disbelief. And a red wig. That’s also important.
5. Gay Marriage
Getting Gay Married has never been hotter than it is right now (2012). It’s like all of a sudden all the gays decided they wanted to get Gay Married! Haha WTF? SO random. The great news for you, gay or not, is that you can ride this FAD, this BIZARRE CRAZE, all the way to the cultural cache bank by dressing up as Gay Marriage participants this Halloween.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, all you need to do is find someone who is the same sex as you (very important detail) and wear Normal Marriage clothes together! IT’S AS EASY AS THAT! Alternatively, find an animal and dress them in wedding clothes because it’s just a matter of time before we all tumble down THAT slippery slope am I right, Cory Bernardi? “Max, you are right.” – Cory Bernardi, politician.
6. Honey Boo Boo
Modern American hero Honey Boo Boo needs no introduction. A child without peer, Honey Boo Boo’s modus operandi is to wear the coolest and best clothes that are available to children. Dressing up like Honey Boo Boo basically means putting on the most glamourous garment you own and maybe curling your hair or something. You still won’t look as good as Honey Boo Boo.
7. Lana Del Rey getting her boob held in GQ magazine
This year’s most hilarious illustration of how women are just fucktoys for dudes was Lana Del Rey’s GQ Woman Of The Year photo shoot, which honoured her achievements as a musician by taking all her clothes away.
“2012 saw Del Rey break through as an artist but also as a style icon whose unique fusion of 1950s imagery and hip-hop culture saw her win modelling contracts. Let’s have her hide her vagina with her feet.” – GQ’s stylist, probably.
Obviously, you can’t just take YOUR clothes off! The magic of still photography allowed Lana to hide her breasts and vagina and have them stay hidden, but if you go to a costume party with no clothes on people will be able to just look at you from a slightly different angle and see EVERYTHING. Luckily, not all of the shots in the spread were nude! In one of them, Lana wears a black slip as a guy in a tux holds her boob in one hand. For this costume, fill a latex glove with water, tie it off and tape it to your breast. Wear a black slip. Make your hair look like Lana Del Rey’s hair. That’s it! You are the Woman Of The Year!
8. Chris Brown
Obviously, it’s never NOT relevant to dress up as Chris Brown for Halloween. He is a famous and recognizable celebrity and also a horrid monster! “No stars ever” LOL! This is pretty much a standard rapper costume except with a disgusting neck tattoo of a woman’s broken face and a shit-eating grin. Actually, wear whatever! As long as you nail the last two elements you’re still gonna look like Chris Brown.
9. Clint Eastwood’s Obama chair
This one’s easy! Get a chair. The same kind of chair Clint use, if you can. It would be embarrassing if there was someone else at the Halloween party you’re going to who was a big-time chair aficionado and called you out for wearing the wrong kind of chair. “They all look the same to you, don’t they,” that person might say, and then everyone would be left with the incorrect impression that you’re a racist monster when actually you just made a bad chair call. Anyway: cut a hole in the chair! Use straps to hang it from your shoulders! That’s it! That’s the whole costume!
10. Tobias wearing a sheet in that leaked picture from the set of the new Arrested Development season
Look, don’t be surprised if you’re not the only person wearing this costume. The terrific thing about it is that it is an ultra-relevant reference which requires almost zero effort to put together! If you’re a lazy, apathetic hipster, appeal squarely to your target demographic by yanking the sheets off your bed, draping them over your head and getting your dad to FedEx you his Birkenstocks. It is literally a no-brainer.
Max Lavergne is a writer from Sydney. He tweets here and writes about everything else at Really Really Really Trying. He emanates gr8 vibes.
