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I’ve only known two Randalls in my lifetime, both fictitious and both slippery, slimy little snakes.

Allow me to jog your memory: first, we have that teacher’s pet Randall Weems and, look, I don’t want to accuse the resident Recess weasel of having mummy issues, but his desperation to impress Miss Finster was definitely all sorts of red flags in my book.

Flags aside though, Randall Weems was a relatively harmless character and you do have to question how much of his tattling was due to loneliness.

Still a weasel tho

However, all the tattling in the world still pales in comparison to the slimiest Randall of the two – Monsters, Inc‘s Randall Boggs.

Most of you probably remember the gecko/monster hybrid for his skeezy ways, but I cannot stress enough, without sounding too dramatic, how much Randall was the devil reincarnated.

Petrifying

Here are just some of the sinister moments you might’ve missed/ignored/chosen to overlook:

HIS GRAND PLAN IS BEYOND COOKED

So, we know that Mike and Sulley worked for Monsters, Inc, a corporation that powers the entire monster world by harvesting the screams of innocent, unassuming (human) kids.

And while that might sound sinister in and of itself, they harvested the screams in a playful manner and usually just gave the kids a wee scare that (probably) wouldn’t traumatise them for life.

But Randall – a fellow employee at Monsters, Inc – had a plan to start strapping devices to kids to extract their screams that way. Which is just…twisted.

Exhibit A

Strike one, Randall.

HE MAKES THE WORKPLACE ENVIRONMENT TOXIC

People who make the workplace an unpleasant experience deserve to be sentenced to 30 years of hard time. I’m not talking about jail either, I’m talking about having to relive your most embarrassing memory over and over again for 30 years. Really make ’em suffer.

Randall himself deserved 50 years minimum: he verbally abused his assistant, used his gecko abilities to eavesdrop on coworkers and, speculating slightly, looks like he’d be awful at general chit-chat around the water cooler.

ARE WE JUST IGNORING THE WHOLE KIDNAPPING INCIDENT?

A pretty crucial plotline in Monsters, Inc is that Randall kidnaps Boo, an adorable kid who slipped into the monster world, to use her for his Grand Plan™.

While that certainly puts Randall in a completely different league of immoral, it doesn’t necessarily work in his favour. Sulley, Mike and even Boo wale on Randall and deliver instant karma.

I dunno how he can get any worse, to be honest.

UH, HE LITERALLY TRIED TO KILL SULLEY & MIKE

Oh wait that’s right, he tries to make Mike and Sulley go kaput when they foil his whole kidnapping scheme.

The keyword there is ‘tries’ though, as Boo once again comes to the rescue and prevents Randall from killing anyone Mufasa-style. Except in this case, it’s set in a warehouse and not Africa.

At this point, a jail sentence is well-and-truly on the cards. Throw the book at him, monster cops.

HE SECRETLY STAYS BACK TO WORK OVERTIME

When everyone’s wrapped for the day, Randall stays back to scare some more kids in an attempt to beat the record set by Sulley.

Now, I’m not saying that overtime is a bad thing and sometimes it’s necessary, but if there’s one thing I hate, it’s a cheat. And that is not fair game in the slightest, Randall.

So fine – steal a kid or try to kill your coworkers, just don’t you dare think of trying to best your main competition by playing foul.

That’s not on.

Image: Disney