Look, it’s common knowledge that villains in general are way more entertaining than your Average Joe. I mean sure, they may plot to destroy the lives of you, your pets and everyone you love but they do it in a sassy way, so they get a free pass in my book.
I’ve also gone to dinner with some pretty terrible people who aren’t necessarily felons per se, they just suck a little – so going to dinner with an actual villain wouldn’t be much different.
Of course, not all Disney characters would make for a pleasant date, so I’ve only rounded up the ones who would be an absolute riot to wine and dine.
URSULA, THE LITTLE MERMAID
Attempts to enslave Ariel aside, you can’t deny that Ursula is a genuine delight. She’s got the humour, the mischievous grin and she can belt out a catchy tune – take her somewhere with an open mic night and you’d be in for a treat.
Just make sure you don’t do anything to vex her – like taking her to a seafood restaurant – because there’s a chance she’ll get a tad stroppy, balloon up to 25-times her regular size and try to kill you. Still wouldn’t be the worst date I’ve ever been on though.
YZMA, THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE
Yes she’s as old as time, yes her appearance absolutely terrifies me and yes she’s not the most pleasant human in the world, but there’s something about Yzma that I find fascinating.
I really would love to pick her brain about how she and Kronk became chummy but more importantly, we could talk for hours on end about how much of an entitled brat Kuzco is. I know he experiences a serious glow-up but honestly, the dude was hellbent on demolishing an entire town for his own benefit. Do we just ignore that?
SCAR, THE LION KING
Alright so the whole ‘killing Mufasa‘ situation was pretty uncool and I’m not defending him for that but credit where credit’s due: Scar seems genuinely intelligent.
I just feel like he could also use a night away from his hyena mates who are, without a doubt, incredibly thick. What conversations outside of plotting royal homicide could they possibly have? Scar deserves more and he’s not going to get it from the other lions who rudely ostracised him after he killed one teeny tiny little King. It. Was. A. Career. Move. Get over it.
STROMBOLI, PINOCCHIO
Owns his own business? Check. Cool accent? Check. Knows how to pair a nice wine with his meal? Check. I mean I wouldn’t want to marry Stromboli or anything – he has a weird thing against puppets-turned-boys – but stats show he would be a formidable dinner date.
Plus, boy is thicc.
GASTON, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
He may be aggressively narcissistic but Gaston is stunning.
We wouldn’t even have to talk (in fact I’d encourage silence), we could just sit there and gaze into each other’s eyes while occasionally eating. That’s all the fun I need, I’m pretty low-maintenance and quite shallow, as I’ve just discovered. Damn.
HADES, HERCULES
Hades is honestly my spirit animal. He gets irrationally angry at the drop of a hat and experiences immense jealousy for no apparent reason – we’re legit the same person.
So how good would it be to have a bite to eat with someone who really gets you? It’s kind of like eating in front of a mirror but the mirror can actually respond to your questionable stories with the appropriate emotions.
CRUELLA DE VIL, 101 DALMATIANS
Say what you want about Cruella de Vil, girl can make a serious entrance. I’d 100% get to wherever we were meeting early so I could see Cruella strut through the doors with her big ol’ fur coat like she owns the place (she probs does anyway).
I’ve also been doing some thinking and I feel like I can get past the whole abductions and attempted slaughter of all of those dalmatians. She didn’t want to do it for fun, she just needed a new winter coat as it is England after all and England is relentlessly cold 24/7. If this was the 1700s people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a dog coat. Maybe.
CAPTAIN HOOK, PETER PAN
This might sound a tad morbid but the only reason I’ve added Captain Hook to this list is because I really want to see him try to eat a steak with that ol’ hook of his. Would it be comical, sad, or both? Does he have a cutlery attachment for situations like this? So many questions.
Anywho, give me any of the above villains to go on a date with and I’d be absolutely stoked.
