Now, you may be wondering (highly unlikely) why I’ve chosen Maleficent – a fictional character – as the benchmark for glass-cutting abilities.
Have you seen her/Angelina Jolie‘s cheekbones? I mean sure, I could’ve used any of her co-star’s cheekbones, but last time I checked, neither Elle Fanning nor Michelle Pfeiffer‘s face looked like this:
Next question you may be asking: why cheekbones in the first place? Well, I firmly believe they could slice glass with ease. Probably. My logic is what some would call ‘too wrong to argue with’, which has worked wonders for me in the past.
Before I get into it, I have a confession to make: those aren’t actually Angelina Jolie’s real cheekbones.
Pause for dramatic effect.
No, those razor-sharp face-hills are the result of a make-up team and hours of work, so may I have your attention as you see how it all went down below:
So without waffling on further, let’s suss out what’s the sharpest: random objects or Maleficent’s face-knives.
Truth be told, these babies scare the absolute life out of me.
I’m all for people dropping some serious coin on ~farshun~, but when that fashion could subsequently tear your insides out, I have slight reservations.
In saying that, could fake (albeit expensive) nails cut through glass? No siree Bob. They’d break off in seconds, no matter how threatening they look.
Maleficent’s cheekbones: 1; Random objects: 0
Erm, this is quite a tough one to measure.
The Shard, AKA the London skyscraper that looks like a broken fingernail (see: previous comparison), is essentially a construction made of steel and, you betcha, glass.
So while it looks like it could do some damage, can glass break glass? Depends who you ask. Scientists? Most definitely. Me? Not a chance.
Maleficent’s cheekbones: 2; Random objects: 0
Nothing cuts deeper than a teacher’s sharp tongue as they tell you off for your (admittedly ill-advised) behaviour.
I swear I still have emotional scars from hearing my full name being screamed from across the classroom. But while words can do a nasty job, standing there shouting at glass will do diddly squat.
Maleficent’s cheekbones: 3; random objects: 0
Speaking of words and paper (I wasn’t), a tree’s final form can wreak havoc in the form of a paper cut.
And I tell ya what, paper may be able to slice my finger at the most inconvenient of times, like just before I’m about to get into my nightly bath consisting of 40% salt, 60% water. No pain, no gain, I suppose? Regardless, paper’s no match for glass either.
Maleficent’s cheekbones: 4; random objects 0
Trojan 6 Wheel Glass Cutter
This one’s hard to bluff my way out of because the name of the product says it all. I’ll concede.
Maleficent’s cheekbones: 4; random objects: 1
Just the fact that Maleficent beat out an actual building should be proof enough that we need to start stocking her cheekbones at Bunnings – I reckon carpenters would find them incredibly useful.
To watch Maleficent in all her cheekbone glory, check out the trailer below:
Disney’s Maleficent: Mistress of Evil hits cinemas on October 17.Image: Disney; iStock / william87