I take the mission to get you a kid-free movie screening very seriously. I’m not messing around here.
I can barely tolerate sitting next to my friends in a cinema let alone a tiny human with no filter and a severe lack of spatial awareness. I want everyone to be sitting painfully still with the noise kept to a faint munch of popcorn. (Truth be told even the sound of people eating popcorn vexes me.)
So, now that Disney and Pixar’s Toy Story 4 is officially in cinemas and I plan on seeing it in complete silence, I felt it was my duty to help every other adult out there have the same childproof experience as myself. This is Toy Story 4 people – we’ve been waiting years for this and kids wouldn’t know nostalgia if it pooped in their nappy.
Here are some flawless plans to get the peace and quiet you deserve:
1. SNAG THE LATE-NIGHT SESSION
Ahh, the ol’ late-night movie routine – a tried and tested solution.
You can almost guarantee there won’t be a child in sight if you choose to hit up the movies around 10pm. Although, if you’re a single person who’s ditched their mates to watch it solo, expect to see a lot of loved-up couples scattered around. Not a problem if you’re content with your single life but if you aren’t, get there when the lights are out and it’ll be harder for the couples to force their love in your face.
2. LOCK IN AN ‘ADULTS-ONLY’ SESSION
Given that it’s 2019 and I’m not around kids that often, I genuinely have no clue if children go to the movies late at night. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t? What am I the parenting police?
To be safe, there are a bunch of Adults-Only sessions for kids movies these days which, no joke, is the best thing cinemas have done since they introduced reclining chairs.
For Toy Story 4 specifically, you can suss out Adults-Only sessions here.
3. BOOK OUT EVERY SECOND SEAT
Look, the easiest option for a silent cinema would be to book out every seat in the theatre but honestly, even childless adults rarely have that disposable income.
The more plausible option is to book out every second seat. Why? Well, kids under 10 are most often accompanied by an adult, so if there are only single seats available, how do you expect a kid to sit with their guardian? Exactly. Checkmate, children.
4. CHUCK A SICKIE AND GO ON A WEEKDAY
Generally speaking, cinemas are usually pretty empty during a run-of-the-mill weekday. But, what about those pesky pre-pre-schoolers who are yet to experience the crushing 9-3 routine? (Bless.)
After some extensive research, I found out that parents usually take their wee ones in the morning as their kids tend to get sleepy in the arvo.
That gives a three-hour gap between the early birds and the school-finishers to squeeze a movie in. Quick maffs.
5. KEEP IT CLASSY
If you choose wisely, you can organise a night out at Premium or Gold Class because, as experience goes, you’re highly unlikely to spot kids in those screenings.
Those recliners are too fancy for kids, anyway.
Implement the previous tips I’ve mentioned and you’ll be a shoo-in. Trust me, I’ve got your back. You’ll be able to see Disney and Pixar’s Toy Story 4 in child-free, sticky-free bliss if it’s the last thing I do.Image: iStock / Antonio_Diaz