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Tinder‘s a wild thing, isn’t it. Where once we met people purely through physically plopping ourselves in front of them in some circumstance, these days most single folk are swiping their phones to meet their future dates.

Tinder profiles are like tiny versions of yourself.

Hahaha no they’re not! They’re tiny, thirst-trap versions of yourself! You’re presenting yourself to potential dates via a series of your best photos and some witty commentary. That is the truth. It is le fact.

This is fine. Much like life, we want to put our best face forward when meeting new people, OK? Thing is, some of us think we’re putting forward our “best face”, but actually we are wrong. I’m here to be really fucking blunt and probably hurt your feelings mildly about this.  You need it, and then you’ll heal and you’ll be a better person for it, ok? And then you’ll come and thank me.

Here’s all the stuff you’re absolutely fucking up in your Tinder profile.

“6’2, COS APPARENTLY THAT MATTERS”

Now let’s get one thing straight. Guys don’t have to be taller than girls or taller than any partners at all. I know loads of couples who DGAF about height differences and they’re cute as hell and very much in love. Sickeningly so, in fact.

But the thing about writing your (tall) height and then throwing some sort of “apparently it matters” shit on the end is that it’s the worst form of humblebrag. It comes off like you “know” it matters and rare doing that faux-aw-shucks weird shit that feels weird. It’s just weird, ok. Do not do.

Look. I actually think we should all put our height on there. There’s no point insinuating you’re a tall guy or a short girl and then rocking up to a date and everyone feels weird because their preconceived ideas were wrong. If someone’s going to deliberately swipe “no” to you because you’re shorter than them, don’t you want that rejection in anonymous form? Not in-person? You feel me?

Anyway. Put your height. Just don’t do some weird humblebrag about it.

NOT HAVING A BIO AT ALL

You might think your sexy/moody/whatever pics can get you over the line, but you’d be wrong. These days people are tired of wasting time on boring chat. They want to swipe someone they’ve got a strong chance of getting along with. Personality-wise.

Now, listing your interests in dot point form is weird and do not do that. Get rid of nonsensical ~deep~ quotes too. That advice is mainly for you, ladies. Don’t write ‘wanderlust’. “Life is to be lived and love is to be shared”. No. Stop.

If you’re funny, do a funny. If you’re serious, write a short bio about something that interests you or whatever. Just put the effort into something there. And make it something that could initiate a convo easily.

BLURRY PICTURES

Blurry pictures are SO CREEPY guys. You know – pixellated, zoomed in, weirdly cropped images. They make you seem like someone who would, like, sit at home in the dark eating cold rice while staring at the wall or something.

I get that not everyone has selfies or solo pics at their disposal. But a) get your mates to take more aesthetic shots of you and b) put a few group shots in.

You can even crop a pic down if you like, just make it NOT BLURRY.

TOO MANY SELFIES / NO SOLO PICS AT ALL

This is a balance thing. Selfies are weird when there’s more than one in your set of pics, but then using entirely group shots is way too confusing.

My take? Lead with a pic that’s just of you. Ideally not a selfie – what did I say about making mates take some aesthetic pics of you? Then, group shot to show you have friends. Then maybe selfie again, then only group shots or funnies. That is a good order.

Also with selfies. They creep me out. I’M SORRY. I don’t know, that’s just me maybe. But they do. Especially when you take them in a mirror because it’s like where are you? The toot? I don’t want to think about that. In my own perfect world, all solo pics of someone are ones taken by someone else. But take that with a grain of salt coz I know I may be alone in that regard.

NOT BEING HONEST IN YOUR PICS

Okay this one’s a doozy, because I completely understand that there’s a self esteem element here, and it’s sensitive and I’m not going to joke. I’m just going to give it to you straight.

Maybe you feel like you’re too curvy to get right swipes. Too skinny. Your eyes are too small. You’re too short or too tall. My point is there’s presenting the best version of yourself, and then there’s presenting a false version of yourself.

The problem? You’re setting yourself up for dickheads and assholes to reject you. In person. Soul-crushingly so.

Better to show off your (total babe of a) body and face than to rock up to a date and have someone look shocked because you’re a completely different size to what you are IRL, or 5’8 but had pics that made you look 6’3.

WAY better to go on dates with people who, y’know, like you for you.

 USING SOMEONE ELSES KID TO MAKE ME WANNA GO OUT WITH YOU

HELLO. IT IS VERY CREEPY. TO USE. A KID THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN KID. TO TRY AND GET BONED.

Just do not. Holding your niece/nephew/baby cousin/friend’s kid in a pic and then writing in your bio “not my kid” just makes everyone think… then if it’s not your kid why have you used that photo?

I mean we know exactly why you used it. To try and tap into some mythical female swoon over men with babies, bc apparently we can’t control our internal urges and immediately want to procreate with a man holding a kid.

That does not work. Sure, if you’ve got a kid put photos in with said kid. But if it’s not yours – leave it on your mantlepiece.

Image: How To Be Single