Because having a pash is like shaking hands once you’ve reached a certain age, it’s safe to say you lot have kissed a load of people.
And while 26 letters of the alphabet might seem like a lot of kissing ground to cover, there is a very high chance that you’ve experienced 90%-100% of the types of kisses below. Don’t act like you’re above it – heck, grab a pen and allocate a name from your smewching history to each.
A is for the Arrogant Kiss: You know the one, who leans in, pulls your hair back around your ear and assumes they’ve got this in the bag by infecting your personal cylinder.
B is for Butt-Kiss: They’re just a massive suck up. Tell you you’re hot / amazing / smart / have good ears to hook in.
C is for Caring Kiss: Just like when you first lost your virginity, they preface the smooch with a “Is this OK?” (YES THIS IS OK PLEASE TAKE CHARGE.) This person damn cares about your existence, and their tongue is the messenger.
D is for the Dry Kiss: Oh honey no haven’t you ever heard of Carmex lip balm?
E is for Ego Kiss: Pauses every five secs to ask, “How is it for you?” (It would be fine if you stopped talking.)
F is for First Kiss: So that’s what everyone’s raving about?
G is for Grot Kiss: Not much to say here. It’s just grot. Honey wot is you doing??
H is Hot & Heavy Kiss: They kiss-pant – you’re not sure if you’re kissing them or running a marathon.
I is for Isolated Kiss: “Hey, wanna go for a walk?”
J is for Jump The Gun Kiss: They say all of two words before planting one on you. At least let me take you to dinner first?
K is for Karmic Kiss: Where you did good and karma made sure you got good in return.
L is for Lip-Biting Kiss: Sometimes hot, but sparingly. Don’t be vampire-ing up in here.
M is for Morning Kiss: Nice breath stank head.
N is for the Naked Kiss: Well, we know where this is headed.
O is for the OMFG Kiss: A kiss so good you just might explode.
P is for the Peck Kiss: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Well yes, I guess you do, because it was closed the whole time.
Q is for the Qualifier Kiss: The one that decides if you’ll be friends or more. How else are you meant to know?
R is for Revenge Kiss: You should apologise for using them to get back at someone even though it felt SO DAMN GOOD.
S is for the Sloppy Kiss: Just saliva. Everywhere. And tongue. Everywhere.
T is for the Tasty Kiss: When they’ve got the common decency to chuck on a flavoured balm first. Carmex have a new watermelon flavour, FYI.
U is for Underwhelming Kiss: Well that was a letdown.
V is for Varied Kiss: They change techniques like underwear.
W is for the ‘When’ Kiss: You get close but never seal the deal.
X is for the (e)X Kiss: You swore you wouldn’t go back there.
Y is for the Year’s Eve Kiss: I JUST WANT MY RYAN & MARISSA MOMENT OK.
Z is for the Zero-Feelings Kiss: Why the hell not hey.Image: Instagram / @justinbieber