Dating and sex terms are everywhere these days, and keeping up with them is like needing to be the people who write the dictionary (who is that?). But folks, I’ve got a new one for you – sad horny.
[jwplayer TbIvUgrd]
Sad horny was not my own creation – my colleague Lucinda told me about the term. She describes it as:
This feeling you get on birthdays and New Year’s Eve, when you’re single and events (weddings as well) spark horniness but you have nowhere to channel it so you make bad decisions (texting people you shouldn’t, crying inappropriately, telling your parents you’re lonely).
It’s the time when you’re equal parts sad and horny, two feelings that usually cause us to do dumb shit, but when combined make for a real recipe for definitely doing dumb shit.
A lot of things can bring on sad horny – a song you listened to once when you had sex with someone who eventually ghosted you, a particularly beautiful sunset during winter, staring out the bus window when it’s raining and that really sad Kings Of Leon song is playing (Manhattan??).
Here are some perfect examples of situations that will 100% make you sad horny.
1. Weddings
Attending a wedding when you’re single is like walking into a sad horny inferno. All that LOVE, that COMMITMENT. You’re absolutely going to decide that grot friend-of-a-friend also in attendance is suddenly a worthy option for a hook up, especially if they look good in a suit.
MORE SAD HORNY: If you’re a single bridesmaid.
EVEN MORE SAD HORNY: If you just broke up with your long-term partner.
2. Watching The Notebook
This was Lucinda’s suggestion and I 100/10 agree. She said “it’s super sad but also makes you horned up (the kiss vs the part where they die, recipe for SH)”. Basically, the film mixes tragic events like Noah and Allie being ripped apart by their parents / Allie forgetting their entire romantic past with loved-up moments like ‘you’re a bird, I’m a bird’ and that insane sex scene.
MORE SAD HORNY: If you just saw your ex in a new relationship on IG.
EVEN MORE SAD HORNY: If you just got home from a shit first date, in a series of shit first dates.
3. New Year’s Eve
Like I said before, NYE is primo time for sad horny to rear it’s ugly head. Why? Well, everyone kisses at midnight, der. Even though I have never seen this NATURALLY happen IRL and most of the long-term couples I know barely spend any time together on NYE, let alone dramatically kiss at the stroke of 12, the stupid romance of a midnight kiss is very prevalent at all NYE celebrations, especially if you’re single. The closer it gets to 11.45pm, the lower your standards go.
MORE SAD HORNY: If you’re in a long-distance relationship.
EVEN MORE SAD HORNY: If your ex is actually at the party and also single.
4. Listening To Lana Del Rey
This is also via Lucinda (am I writing this FOR Lucinda? ….yes) – you are 100%, hands down guaranteed to feel sad horny if you are listening to any Lana Del Rey song, at any time. Even if you’re happily ensconced in love. Even if you’re married with five children. Even if you’re 89 and realised love is a lie.
Do not listen to Lana Del Rey if you’re trying not to call up that demonic person you hooked up with a few times who is trash and you know it – you will call them. And probably cry.
MORE SAD HORNY: If someone in your family died but they were someone you barely knew, and you feel obliged to mourn a little bit but feel weird about it.
EVEN MORE SAD HORNY: If you’re also drinking red wine.
5. When Your Fantasy BF/GF Doesn’t Work Out
I don’t care if your fantasy partner is a celebrity you have no chance with, or someone you could genuinely, with a few logistical elements in place, be with forever (if they returned the feelings) – when your fantasy is thrown out the window, sad horny takes it’s place.
I’m taking about celeb crushes who then fall in love (I see you, Vance Joy and Sophie Lowe), IRL crushes who show no interest when you finally take the leap and ask them out, IRL-yet-unattainable crushes who announce they’re going to traverse the globe in a sailing boat… whatever. As stupid as your fantasy is, even if you’re 100% aware it’s stupid it feels shitty when it’s brought back down to Earth by stone-cold reality.
MORE SAD HORNY: If your fantasy is destroyed while you’re alone at home.
EVEN MORE SAD HORNY: If you reckon you had a chance but you blew it.
