Shit, the things I would say to my exes if I knew they didn’t have the chance to respond. Things that come to mind?

You’re fucked. 

Go to hell.

Eat a dick.

And that’s just the first boyfriend I ever had. There’s plenty of ammo for all the unfortunate specimens who followed in his footsteps too. Turns out, the lot of you have similar feelings.

Earlier this week, induced by the hellish date that is Valentine’s Day, Facebook user Sean Peter Drohan invited people to share texts that they would send their ex. The spreadsheet now has over 500 entries at the time of writing this piece, and they’re a delicious mix of savagery, let me tell you. 

“I loved your dog more than I ever loved you.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Your dick was great but your heart is not.”

“You’re a succubus.”

“I got pink-eye from eating you out.”

“You’re a douche canoe and I hate you.”

I’m crying. That is some good shit right there. But where there’s hate there was once love, and there’s some real heartstring pullers in the list too.

“I’m scared I won’t love anyone the way I loved you.”

“I’m happy that you’re thriving but sad that you don’t want to include me in your future.”

“I can’t stop stalking you on Facebook. Your girlfriend is really pretty and I miss you so much.”

“I am trying my best to be better.”

There are also columns designated for others’ reactions and it really is becoming quite the social experience for those who hath been scorned. Who knew heartbreak could be so much fun?! Heck. Personally, I’ll be walking away from the experience with douche canoe promptly in my vocabulary.

You let it out, honeys. Put it in the spreadsheet.

Photo: Mean Girls.