There aren’t many things that I consider to be a deal-breaker when it comes to dating a partner. Loves a durry? Well, I mean it’s not like you’re smoking meth so have at it. Have an unhealthy, co-dependent friendship circle? I mean, it’s not like you’re smoking meth so have at it. Smoke meth? I mean, it’s not like you’re punching baby seals so have at it.

As it goes, my standards are practically non-existent. However, when it comes to Harry Potter I have an unwavering, wildly irrational and not-at-all-endearing stance. I’m not here to tell everyone else how to run their own love lives, except I am and I will – if you’re dating someone who dislikes JK Rowling‘s brainchild, you might need to seriously reassess your life choices.

Now look, that isn’t to say you should whip out the divorce papers or burn your partner’s clothes as soon as you cop a whiff of anti-Potter talk, but you really do need to address the muggle in the room at some point of the relationship, ideally at the beginning.

Can you imagine getting to the stage in your life where you’re ready to pop the question, you’re planning your Hufflepuff colour schemes for the invitations and your piece-of-shit partner drops the bomb that they’ve barely laid their undeserving eyeballs on a Harry Potter movie, let alone one of the books? Fucking hell, I’d rather die old, lonely and clinging on to a special edition Philosopher’s Stone book I bought when I was seven which has not increased in value like I was initially told (not bitter, simply pointing out a fact).

However, say hypothetically you do let it get that far and you’re quite comfortable in the relationship, do you even bother staying with someone who has no soul? Not to say that everyone who dislikes Harry Potter is soulless, but they’ve definitely spent most of their lives getting sucked off by Dementors if you get what I’m putting down.

Again, I’m not trying to chastise people who simply have riddikulus taste, but as a Harry Potter fan, you must ask yourself if the relationship is worth the lifelong pain of loving someone who probably watches videos of animals shitting for entertainment.

For such a contentious issue like this one, it’s good to go into it with a relatively clear head by weighing up the pros and cons – the last thing you want to do is make a rash decision.

If you need a hand getting started, here’s a broad pros and cons list of my own that I use whenever I meet someone new who dislikes Harry Potter (quite literally anyone new, I’ve cut so many people out of my life and half of them haven’t even met me).

  • PRO: They’re reasonably attractive.
  • CON: Looks fade, Harry Potter is forever.
  • PRO: They’re a good cook.
  • CON: What so they can take the time to read a recipe but they don’t have time to read seven teeny tiny novels? Get out of my fucking face with those five-star meals.
  • PRO: They’re rich as shit.
  • CON: Money can’t buy good taste in entertainment.
  • PRO: They like other movies that you like.
  • CON: Who cares? None of the other movies matter.
  • PRO: They have a 10/10 personality.
  • CON: Impossible, if you don’t fuck with Harry Potter then you’re automatically docked six points. Stay in your lane you 4/10 (at best) plebs.

See that? Even a scientifically-backed pros and cons list can’t seem to find any reason for you to stay.

I know it may seem like I’m being biased and look, you may be right to think that, but I’m a reasonable man and I’m here to tell you that there actually is a way for you to stay in a relationship with a non-Harry Potter fan.

It all comes down to a little trick I learnt in Year 11 Psychology. All you have to do is chuck on some Harry Potter music on a low level any time your partner orgasms and eventually, they’ll associate their climax with the Wizarding World. Conditioning, it’s real and it’s effective.

Best-case scenario is that they’ll begin to see Harry Potter in a positive light, worst-case scenario is that they’ll want to have sex every time you start watching any of the movies which is just inconvenient because that’s most likely 12 hours a day, and frankly if you have sex for 12 hours you’re going to end up with a mad case of chafe crotch.

If that doesn’t work, I’m afraid the only other option is to leave them. I’m no relationship counsellor (thanks to a certain ‘anonymous’ tip to authorities snitching on me for running an “illegal and highly unethical” counselling business out of the boot of my car), but you don’t need a fancy doctor’s degree to know a lost cause when you see one.

And I’m sorry to tell you (I’m not), but a partner who hates Harry Potter is indeed a lost cause. Pack up your shit and get the fuck out of there.

Image: Warner Bros