Well, well, well – look at you. You’ve found yourself someone who’s willing to put up with you for an entire weekend. Someone fun who’s keen not just for your company, but for days of deliciously naughty fun. Someone who’s keen to both get away and get down. I’m proud of you.
But before you get caught up in the haze of romance, fun and more than a hint of naughtiness, let’s get practical. There are a few necessities you should pop into that overnight bag of yours.
Consider this your checklist.
This one’s pretty obvious, but you’re copping the reminder anyway. Contraception is probably the most important thing to bring in regards to your sexual health – whether you take an oral contraceptive or use condoms (both if you’re smart, to prevent both bubs and STIs), make sure you’ve got enough for the whole weekend.
Look, I like kids as much as the next person but that doesn’t mean I want to have to squeeze one out of my fairy anytime soon, tyvm. And really, there’s nothing sexy about having to yank the reins on your special alone time to go to the chemist and grab some. Prepare in advance, and take more than you think you’ll need. You can thank me later.
Yep, we’re still on about getting laid here. Can you blame us? It wouldn’t be a big sexy date weekend without the tantalising promise of some pleasure for you both; so if anything we’re just being realistic. Lube is one of those things you may not think you need but once you start using it, it’s a game changer.
If you’re marathonning a whole bunch of sex, let me tell you that by the end of it you’re gonna need all the help you can get. It’s tiring for you and your bod, but lube makes it so much smoother and easier – especially if your partner happens to be uh, on the larger size.
It’s not all raucous sex and boning (though to be fair, a lot of it is). You’ll also want the opportunity to hit the town with your hot date and see the sights – you know, for a breather between sessions if nothing else.
So make sure you pack clothes that are a little more on the fancy side, because going out for a snazzy dinner can be pretty damn cute. I’m not saying go overboard, but whether you’ve only just started seeing each other or you’ve been together for yonks, it’s nice to put in a smidge of effort to show the other person that you give a shit.
There are few things in this world that kill the mood faster than stank. Pack your toothbrush and toothpaste to nix any bad breath (nobody wants to kiss that), pack deodorant for your pits (nobody wants to hug that) and pack plenty of your most seductive perfume or cologne to get your date’s motor running whenever they catch a hint of the scent in future.
Hot tip for folks with long hair: pack a bunch of spare hair ties to avoid the inevitable bird’s nest of tangled hair after all the fucking. Pop your strands in a ponytail to keep ’em out of your face (and give your partner something to grab onto, if you’re into that).
You might think that underwear is somewhat of a given – and admittedly, I’d hope you’re right. But in the heat of the moment, underwear can be ripped, cast aside or flung anywhere, leaving you going commando the rest of the trip.
If you’re the type to rock some fancy lingerie, go for it. Just be conscious that you may not be wearing it for very long, if you’re lucky, but it’s definitely worth it for that first jaw drop. Pack a few spare cotton undies so your junk can breathe – it’s earned it.
Just because you’re going away together doesn’t mean that you have to stop taking care of yourself too. Pack all the things that are going to make you feel good – it’s your little break away from the real world too, you know. Go for a room spray over candles to set the mood (some places won’t allow candles), pop a bottle of massage oil in your case and maybe even a sneaky bottle of grog.
Whether it’s as simple as a couple of your favourite teabags, or you just wanna bring some painkillers and a Ural sachet in case the lovemaking gets a little too intense for your precious bits (nobody likes a UTI, let alone when you’re on holiday), you’ve gotta look out for number one.
Once all that is firmly within the confines of your overnight bag, you’re ready to head off on a big naughty weekend with your preferred human.
Have fun, folks.Image: Instagram / @vanessahudgens