Forgive me if I’m wrong, but there’s something fucked up about Christmas that makes people drop to their knees – and not in the sexy sense. If you’re single, like me, it can be enough to make you think your eye is a pickled onion and therefore stick a fork in it. You shouldn’t do this.
Why? Because being single is fun, apparently, it’s just something you forget when people look happy in a photo that, in reality, took a millisecond to shoot. Of course these things are easier said than believed, so keep reading for tips on how to deal with this diamond-giving activity that’s on roids this time of year.
Unfollow the person
There’s nothing like 150 likes on the “she said yes” post to make you feel like dog poo, and anything less than that and you shouldn’t even feel worried at all. Rather than delete the person off Facebook, which honestly is completely unnecessary and will just show them that you’re pissed, unfollow them on the platform.
They’ll never know, and you’ll never have to see their wedding planning, which is ideal if they’re not a legitimate friend that you care about. If they are, be happy for them even if you’re wishing you were in their position.
Try and score an invite to their wedding
People are gagging for it at weddings. Love is all around and it makes guests feel like that’s what they want too. So they hook up. It’s beautiful. It could even eventuate in to a wedding of your own or, at the very least, an amazing story about the time you had sleazy wedding sex with the best man. It’s a common occurrence, from what I’ve heard.
Be really, really single
Whenever you see a #engaged post (lol creative), it’s important to remember that they’re probably only going to be riding one shlong, or playing with one vaginé, for the rest of their damn existence. You, on the other hand, can explore the genitals that are consensually offered to you.
Even if you’re not about that having-sex-all-the-time life, we live in the land of dating apps. Go on heaps of dates – you might not meet your future spouse but you’ll probably meet more people than you would cooped up at home with a bae.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself
Look, chances are that the people around you getting engaged are really happy – I’m not contesting that. But what makes them happy might not necessarily make you happy. It’s easy to look at an ex getting engaged, for example, and feel like they “won” or some shit.
Remember that they’re settling for a life that you might consider mediocre. There’s a reason you broke up, right? If you didn’t, they’d probably be proposing to you – and you know damn-well you’d be fucking miserable if that happened.
Suck it up.