Everyone’s been in the position where they’re absolutely unhinged-levels of obsessed with someone they’re dating. Or “dating”. Or fucking. Or not remotely dating and just staring at idiotically from across an office divide.

This obsession can cloud our usually sharp-as-a-tack judgement and see us making absolutely BATSHIT decisions, from continuing to fuck someone who mentions other women/men in bed mid-bone, to buying expensive birthday gifts for people who can’t even remember our last names.

It’s okay. We’ve all done it (or are doing it right now). But also, in a very real way, stop that. Stop throwing yourself at people who DGAF about you or your amazing soul/mind/bod.

Accept these absolutely clear as shit signs that the person you’re into is just absolutely not into you, OK?

I say this in the kindest way possible – stop being such a pissbaby.

THEY’RE SHIT AT REPLIES

Seriously, if someone likes you they’ll text you back. Yes, even if they’re shit on phones in general. GUYS! Everyone has their phone on them these days.

Ok… SOME people are shit on text. But you’ll still hear from them via phone call or whatever. No one ignores a person they like.

Sure, a few late replies are fine. People have work meetings and things. But what I mean is, if you’re sitting around tearing your hair out bc the person you’re seeing takes 400 years to reply to anything – mate, leave it.

WHEN THEY DO REPLY IT’S ‘HAHA’

Or anything else simple like “cool” or “yeah”.

Continuing the conversation = they’re keen. Sending beige as fuck, four-letter responses that fucking murder any form of chat = they couldn’t care less. Sorry.

THEY’RE THE BUSIEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE

No matter what the excuses (my grandma died, work’s holding me back, it’s my best friends cat’s quincanera) they’re all bullshit if it’s happening on the regular.

Firstly, someone who likes you? They’ll make another plan if they can’t make the original ones. Secondly, no one is THAT busy. Are they the head of ASIO? Nicole Kidman’s PA? No. They’re not. They have time, just not for you.

THEY CALL YOU ‘MATE’

OK, hold up on this one because I call everyone mate. Including people I date.

This is only a rule if ‘mate’, ‘bro’, ‘pal’, or ‘bud’ start showing up in texts and convo when they used to be off the table.

Unless they use these terms generally, people start dropping these babies into conversation when they want someone to know the vibes are FRIENDLY not FLIRTY. Take the hint.

Unless you’re dating me in which case you’re fine.

THEY TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE BEING HOT

Again, one-offs of this? Fine.

Everyone thinks, for example, that Margot Robbie is hot. Or Chris Hemsworth. But if the person you’re dating is talking about what a babe your sister is? How hot the bartender at the place you’re at looks? And this happens all the damn time? Not into you, my friend.

ALL YOUR DATES ARE SUPER LAST MINUTE

People who like other people make plans with said people. They just do. Even the flakiest of humans will set aside time for someone they’re really into. Sure, if you’ve dated for a while you might find your plans are last minute, but by then everything’s easy and you’re not second-guessing shit all the time.

When you’re getting texts at 4pm the day the person wants to hang, that’s someone who doesn’t think you’re worth a forward plan with.

THEY HIT ON YOUR MATES

Ok, it is absolutely MENTAL that we don’t take this as a huge sign someone’s not keen on us. But hey, I’ve fucking done it bc I’m an idiot. So here you go – if the person you’re into is literally hitting on your FRIENDS. They. Don’t. Like. You.

Ooft. There you go. Sorry for pummelling you in the heart with a large, stabby brick but you needed it, right? Now go pick up your dignity and ride your self-esteem-horse into the sunset! MATE!

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