The penetration of an orifice is similar to downing a Pringle. Once you pop you can’t stop.
Why? Because now you know what you’re missing and every second you go without it feels like an eternity. Sometimes, however, that really can turn into a drought leaving you fearful of doing the sex again. It’s like getting back on a bike in your adult years – all the knowledge is there but what happens if you fall over and break a bone? Dignity lost, that’s what’ll happen.
Maybe you’ve gone through a bad breakup. Maybe you’ve been busy looking after a newborn. Maybe you’ve been looking after yourself so well (read: masturbating like a pro). Maybe you’ve just taken a good ol’ break from the penetration. No judgement here – sometimes it just happens for no reason – but as someone who has undertaken a year’s drought herself (because of circumstance, not choice – fuck you all), I could’ve done with a few pointers in the below list. I asked around far and wide and this what’s apparently working for the born-again virgins.
REVISIT AN OLD FLAME
It’s a bit easier to get back on a horse you’ve already ridden, wouldn’t you say? You’ll have people from your past which fulfilled certain needs and, if feelings have been lost, I don’t see the real harm is hitting that back up. Just look at what the relationship was and assess. If you’re worried they’ll get the wrong idea, make sure you only message them in booty call territory. If they can’t see the transparency there, that’s on them, right? Whatever helps you sleep at night. Plus, because they’ve been a visitor to your parts before, they can tell you how your bits are looking and how your skills are faring.
GET ONLINE
If you try and get your bits wet the old fashioned way there could be a lot of effort with zero results. Online, whether that’s on a dating app, via text or a late-night “hey” into a Facebook DM, people are more likely to be clear about their intentions when they don’t have to cop rejection to the face.
“We do tend to live in this very laid back, casual dating culture these days,” sexologist Nikki Goldstein told us, noting that if you want anything more serious you should let that be known (but more answers to that, and other questions you’re afraid to ask, in the video below).
PICK A PRIME TIME
Sue me, but weddings get people in the mood. They just do. Everyone’s looking their best selves and are more confident than usual, there’s a lot of love and optimism in the room and champas and dance moves are generally in full force. That’s the perfect concoction for sleazy wedding sex.
HIT UP THE RIGHT HOTSPOTS
The air while travelling is polluted with carefree attitudes, including your own. Go with it. If you don’t have the money to jetset overseas, look to tourist hotspots like Byron Bay, or even local clubs that have the right atmosphere. If you’ve ever gone to Sydney’s ScuBar (#RIP) or Scary Canary’s and haven’t picked up, then you’re one in a million honey. Why? Because people who are travelling are looking to return home with stories and experiences, many of which include a good fucking.
BECOME A BARTENDER
Everyone loves bartenders. Is it because all their customers are intoxicated? Is it because they give you what you want at the bar, so they’re likely to so that in other areas too? Is it the all-black attire? Don’t know. It’s just the way it is and I’m not fighting it, as long as they take off those stinky beer clothes before touching anything.
If the above don’t work, at least you can get through the dry patch knowing that you tried (and that’s more than some people can say). Need more inspo? New series SMILF, streaming only on Stan, perfectly showcases the struggles of getting back to being a freak in the sheets. From concerns about a changed vagina after giving birth to pickup lines, it’s so relatable it hurts. Watch the trailer below or get onto it here
Be warned though, once you pop the first episode open, you won’t be able to stop.
