Break ups are never a fun experience, but amidst the heartbreak and soul-crushing life destruction, sometimes there’s some really good story-worthy gold that one day, you’ll share with a journo at PEDESTRIAN.TV for the amusement of other readers!
Because I myself have experienced some extremely wild breakups in my time (yes, they’re in here and no, I won’t tell you my fake name that I’ve used bc half my exes read this bloody site OK) I hit up a bunch of other mates, mates-of-mates, staff members and random people in the street (not really) to compile a huge collection of stories that are just far worse than anything you’ve ever experienced! Yay! Love is a lie!
Also Valentine’s Day sucks for 50% of the population so let’s revel in shitty breakup yarns to make ourselves feel good.
When I was in year 8 my boyfriend dumped me because I stepped in dog poo and dragged it onto the school bus. We’d been going out for about a year at that stage. To make it even more spectacular, his method of dumping me was to scream out “YOU’RE DUMPED!” across the playground. Then I had to go clean my poo shoe in the toilet.
My last boyfriend broke up with me out of literally nowhere, to the point where he came over already knowing he was going to give me the boot, and I had spent hours making my world-famous spaghetti for him for the first time. He came into my apartment like nothing was wrong, ate not one but two servings of the stuff, we both (!!) got ready for bed and then, while romantically spooning he casually announces he isn’t falling in love with me at all and we should just cut our losses.
I went out with a guy for about a month. The first time I stayed at his house, I gently teased him about a headphone stand he had, and then said something jokey about his car – I honestly can’t remember, I’m a shit-talker and “sarcasm” is the first thing listed on my Tinder profile, so none of that should have been a surprise to him. Anyway, he went silent on me for a few days so I asked him whether anything was wrong. He said I had hurt his feelings with “some things I had said”, and I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. Eventually he mentioned I had said some mean stuff about his headphone stand, and that I was too sarcastic. Honestly, what.
So, I broke up with my first girlfriend after 2 years, and about 3 months later started seeing another girl. I was pretty keen to keep things casual and made that clear to her. I was 20 at the time and didn’t want to rush into something after what had been – at that age – a long term relationship. This new girl was pretty keen on me, but I maintained my casual position thinking she was fine with that as well, but then things got a bit strange. I was at friend’s house party on a Saturday night when she messaged me asking if I was keen on a three way with one of her friends. I called bullshit, thinking she was playing a joke, but she called me and put her friend on the phone who confirmed they were serious and would be around later on. My extremely naive younger self was cautiously optimistic. An hour or so passes and she calls me again, this time to tell me another one of her friends wants to join in. No fucking way. I don’t believe her. She puts this friend on who also agrees that they’re all telling the truth. Another hour passes and she calls again, this time she’s crying. “I REALLY LIKE YOU BUT YOU DON’T LIKE ME,” she screams. I gently try and tell her that I’m just not ready to enter another relationship and that I’m sorry. My night went from an offer of group sex to absolutely nothing in the space of a few hours. Anyway, the next week at Hot Damn (of course) she was making out a pal of mine and they ended up dating for a few years!
I was dating this guy when I was 18, and it was a good, fun time. We were both seeing a bunch of people (it was open and had been communicated from the beginning of the relationship), but after a couple of months I started to get the feels hard for him. Unfortunately, he started to get the feels for another girl who he was dating. So he came over to break up with me. And he brought brownies to do it. Except THEY WERE HORRIBLE. Like, very, very bad, inedible brownies. I think it actually softened the blow because I was so offended someone would offer me something so terrible so, clearly, he was not a good catch.
I went on a date about a month ago with a guy l met at the races. Met through a mutual friend, 32, good job. Tick, tick, tick. We had been texting for over a month as he lived in Melbourne and I lived in Brisbane. I was in Melbourne for work, so we planned a date on the Friday night. I had to be at a party on the Saturday at 11am – 3 hours away – but l was determined to make it work. So my sister drops me off on the date. Literally 15mins in and half way through my second beer he says “I have something awkward to tell you. I’ve met someone”. Obviously I’m thinking “What, when, why the fuck am l here”. He goes on to tell me that he met this new person 5 days earlier, and he had only just decided that he wanted to see her over me.I didn’t know what to do. I just called my sister back 30mins after she had dropped me off to tell her to come pick me up.
My first ever love (I see you Michael Harkins) dumped me over text message while I was waiting to meet up with him at Skyfire. FYI, Skyfire was only the social event of the year in Canberra, and I was dressed up in finest Rip Curl waiting for him out the front of the event. That’s when I saw a message saying “Thanks for the 6 months and see you later”. Also, right after I recieved it, my Nokia died. It was a very traumatic time all round.
I met a boy in Brisbane over the Christmas break. We went on a remarkably good date and he seemed REALLY into it. So into it, in fact, that he organised (of his own accord) to fly down and spend the following weekend with me. Everything was completely normal and extremely romantic up until he arrived. As soon as we were face to face, he acted completely disinterested. This continued for the entire next day, then he left a DAY EARLY and then proceeded to completely ghost me.
I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
I slept with this guy for a little while years ago. After a week of sleeping together, I messaged him something completely tame, like a chatty text. I was met with a, “I have a girlfriend. Don’t contact me again.” response. Funnily enough, he hit me up a month later asking to hang. Next.
Basically when I was 18, I started dating this guy who I just thought was so attractive that I was almost waiting for him to unceremoniously dump me – and he did! Instead of going complete ghost (impossible when we worked together) he just stopped texting and hanging out. We had been dating for 3 months and he told me he loved me. When I asked him what was going on, he said he’d explain it all if I came over to his house (he was about to fly to Europe). When I got there he had put my shit in a ZIPLOCK BAG and left it outside for me. Like jewellery, makeup, all of it. And he wasn’t even home.
My boyfriend of five years and I moved overseas together. After a year, I received a Facebook message from a girl called “Lucinda” – no joke. Turns out my boyfriend and her had been chatting and developing a pretty intense relationship via Tinder for the last few weeks. She had messaged me as she kept trying to find him on Facebook but hadn’t been able to (he had protectively blocked her). Eventually she found him… and saw he was in a relo with me. She went to my profile and messaged me, wanting to warn me about his creeping. Turns out he’d fabricated a whole other life, and she sent me screenshots of all their dirty texts. They were time-stamped, so of course I sat down and matched them all to when I had been home with him at the time of his messaging her, and put together that he’d referred to me as his “housemate”. Meanwhile, while me and Lucinda are texting he’s still on his way to her place. When he rocked up, she took a photo of him entering her apartment and sent it to me for proof. He was obviously “busted” and we broke up immediately, as did they.
FRAMED FAMILY PORTRAIT
My ex and I were together for a couple of years, and then things went south. We had a huge fight and “broke up”, but I didn’t think it was a serious break up since we’d “broken up” a million times only to get back together within days – I mean, we lived together. How quickly could we actually split? Incredibly quickly, it seems – this time, his mum flew over and moved him out in secret whilst I was at work. I got home to an empty apartment, except for a framed portrait of his family which I drunkenly fly kicked.
I met a boy at a bar in Sydney, and although he refused to tell me his surname because he apparently came from a “well-known family”, I quite liked him. We had one nice date, but afterwards I received a text from him saying he had to go on a month-long *emergency work trip* to Atlanta and could he pick up the watch he left at my house ASAP. So off he went with his watch. Then, one of my friends saw him at the SAME BAR the following weekend. I confronted him, and he started sending me snapchats of the view from his Atlanta hotel room, a local restaurant, the airport… etc. Except, after image searching them, I worked out they were SCREENSHOTS FROM GOOGLE.
I moved across the world from America to New Zealand (against my parents wishes, they actually stopped speaking to me during the relationship) to be with my ex. However, after 8 months together he ended up kicking me out of the house. The best bit? He broke up with me over Messenger – even though we lived together.
I went on a few dates with a guy and it was all going extremely excellently, to the point where we organised this weird, spontaneous weekend away to star gaze. I know, ultra nerdy. Anyway, the vibe was very much all-systems-go from his end, lots of messages about playlists and stop-overs etc etc. for the week leading up. Until a day out, I get this message saying he’s concerned logistics-wise about whether we can take his car. This swiftly deteriorated into “I’m just so tired this week”, so we cancelled. Aaaand then I never heard from him again! The end.
I met an American guy when he was on vacay here, and we spent a month together completely loved-up. He left but we spoke consistently for 6 months, during which he asked me to visit him. One week before I’m scheduled to arrive, he asks me where I’m staying (I was meant to be staying with him). Apparently he’d ‘had a few guests lately and the roomies are getting over it’. Anyway I fly in, he picks me up and we have sex at my hotel. Immediately after he informs me that he’s going on a surf trip with the boys all day. I went out with my only friend in town, but we met up with him and his mates later. At the bar, he openly flirted with every girl (except for me). He clearly hadn’t even told his friends who I was, because his roommate tried to crack on. We never spoke again and I decided to fly to NYC after getting bed bugs from the fucking hotel bed.
I’M THE WORST
I am terrible at breaking up with people, I always do an incredibly shit job of it with spectacularly bad timing. Both of my long-term boyfriends, I ended up dumping in the car. While they were driving. And they were driving me home to my house.
Jess, 33Image: Sex and the City