Assuming everyone in existence had the same high school experience as me, you no doubt put a franga on a banana in that fateful Sex Ed class. Might’ve been a legit banana (make those bodies sing!) or a plastic one – stories that I’ve heard vary.
Let’s refresh your memory. You’re looking at that dude you’ve got the hots for while rolling a condom onto his imaginary peen, yet not wanting to catch his eye because you’re quietly frigid and waiting until you’re at least 16 to “give it up”.
HOW COULD YOU FORGET. Damn iconic.
But while you remember that part of it – the sheer awkwardness mashed up with a genuine curiosity of what you’ll spend your future doing – you rarely remember how to actually put it on. Or you just make him do it? No!
You’re about to be schooled, you lazy slice of shiitake mushroom.
IF YOU HAVE ONE, MEASURE YOUR WANG
Right? This used to be a running joke amongst da bois but here we are, giving you a logical excuse to measure your doodle – something you need to do to buy the right frangas.
You’re not measuring the length, though – it’s actually the GIRTH i.e. circumference of your dong. The bigger the girth? The bigger the condom. Say girth again. Girth.
Say you’re 108mm circumference. You’d divide that by two, giving you a size of 54mm nominal width. Comprenday?
BUY THE RIGHT CONDOMS FOR YOUR SEXC NEEDS
Now that you know where your dick stands in the market, here’s a nice rundown of condom size references:
LifeStyles® Closer Fit: 49mm
LifeStyles® Regular: 54mm
LifeStyles® Large: 56mm
Remember: if it’s too tight, go bigger. If it’s slipping off your willy? Go for a closer fit.
Now that you’ve got the size thing down, you’ve gotta pick what TYPE.
If you want more sensitivity and to feel more, go for thinner frangas. No matter what you hear, these guys are NOT more prone to breakages. I mean come on guys – if they were as if they’d be allowed on grocery shelves?
LifeStyles® Regular = normal
LifeStyles® Ultra Thin = thin
LifeStyles® Zero = thinnest
PUT THE THING ON CORRECTLY
1. Open condom wrapper and remove the thing carefully, no matter how keen you are. They’re strong suckers but can be damaged by fingernails, teeth or jewellery.
2. Give the tip a lil’ pinch to push out trapped air + make room for semen – any excess air trapped in the franga can increase the risk of condom breakage.
3. Still pinching it, put the condom over the head of the dong and roll the condom down to the base of the erect boner. Make sure it’s the right way up – the roll needs to be on the outside so it can be rolled downwards.
4. This needs to happen before the penetration begins – none of this half-way into the act BS.
TAKE THE THING OFF CORRECTLY
1. After you cum, and while your member is still hard, withdraw your penis by holding on to the rim of the franga at the base of the dick. This will avoid any unwanted spillage.
2. Point your willy downward and carefully slip the condom off.
3. Tie off the end of the used condom and wrap the evidence in tissue. Dispose the guy thoughtfully mates (ie. not down the toilet).
Friendly reminder: condoms aren’t just to prevent unwanted pregnancies. They also give STIs the finger, ’cause ain’t nobody got time for that.