Everyone has shitty dates, OK? A shitty date is where you go, realise there’s zero chemistry, or the person can only talk about their horse Chalky and literally nothing else. Or they tell you they left their wallet at work and can you buy the drinks tonight – I was that person once actually, I’m really sorry Ben whatever-your-last-name-was, if you’re reading this. IT WAS A REAL ACCIDENT OKAY.
Anyway. Shit dates? Not interesting. But truly horrific, god-awful dates that are actually so ridiculously bad, they must be made up? They’re juicy as hell. Here’s a bunch from people that are absolutely NOT made up (that I know of), and are very, very, extremely bad.
I once went on a date with a guy who showed me a photo of his poo in the toilet bowl… He was so proud that it looked like a perfect ‘Nike tick’... – Lana
A while back I matched with a guy on a dating app who had a pretty normal profile – lots of comic book stuff, which I liked. Let’s call him Bill. Bill and I exchanged messages for weeks before I agreed to go out for a drink with him. It was all very normal. Too normal. We’re at my local pub when Bill explains his passion for detective work – apparently there are local clubs where people solve mysteries. Stuff like missing bikes, lost dogs etc., things that are reported through their friends and family. Seemed odd to me but nothing too bizarre – almost like a really organised neighbourhood watch, I said. So about an hour into a pretty average date, the lightbulb above our booth flickers. Bill. Flipped. Out. Like nothing I have ever seen. He sprung into action like an ER doctor, it was awesome. He had an app on his phone to detect EMP(?) levels (I’m pretty sure phones can’t?) and started waving his Huawei around the table. I was a bit phased by this display, so Bill explained very matter-of-factly that there are things around us beyond our understanding. “Beings existing in a world parallel to our own”. That he and his mates, after their own personal experiences (I asked), had chosen to protect every day people (like me) from these entities, and that if I was lucky (I am), I would never have to know about how far reaching this ghost-universe was. The best part of this story is that Bill told me he’d probably never see me again because I was – wait for it – I was a bit odd. He did give me his business card in case I ever need help with ghosts or whatever so I assume I am going to need that for my arc in Season 2. – Ally
I went to a Halloween party at a bar dressed as a pregnant nun, and there was a cute rando there dressed as a priest. We got a pic together and then I got shit-faced on the open bar and don’t recall much of the later evening. Next morning had a text from a rando number “was great to meet you last night let me know if you wanna grab that beer sometime”. I had no idea who this was, and didn’t know what to do. Then a couple of hours later he sends the pic he got of us, and he’s CUTE. But I don’t remember getting flirty vibes on the night, but then again I don’t remember much. So I organise a “date” – I take him to Corridor, my go to first date bar, and it feels off right away, but I’m still flirting and whatnot. Then he then starts showing me pics of this girl he hooked up with recently all like “she’s so hot man”, and I’m like… hmm ok maybe a bi dude? Then he goes “anyway thanks again for offering to show me around Newtown after just moving here from the country.Didn’t think it would be this easy to make new friends”. Turns out I’d drunkenly offered to be his new bro and just plain forgot. – Mitch
I went out with this Scottish guy on one single date, and I chose Frankie’s Pizza which for the non-Sydney folk is a VERY loud pizza joint in the city. Anyway, it’s so loud you can barely hear yourself speak, let alone what turned out to be a softly-spoken, thick-accented Scottish man. I said “sorry?” so many times it eventually got awkward and I had to start making a sort of nondescript “mmm” noise so he thought I’d heard him. – Mel
2nd date. She came along to hang out with my also extremely hard-drinking uni mates and decided going drink-for-drink with me, a 6’4″ 115kg Tasmanian of Scottish blood, was a great idea. It ended with me holding her hair back while she violently puked in a gutter. – Cam
This one guy took me to African restaurant once because he thought I’d feel right at home eating my “native people’s food”. I think he honestly thought I’d be super impressed or something. That is literally like taking a Aussie-Chinese person to a Thai restaurant, who’s never been to either country and saying “TA DA, this is all for you”. I said I’d never eaten African food in my life despite being of that heritage, but he seemed to overlook that and proceeded to ask me for my advice/description of everything on the menu. I ordered a super spicy soup thing being the chilli fiend I am. He decided to copy of course and for the next hour I had to watch him profusely sweating whilst proclaiming that the soup wasn’t even that hot. C’mon mate. – Nat
It wasn’t a bad date, but my first date with my girlfriend of 10 years was a ghost tour at the Manly Quarantine Station. It was a lot of fun, but anyone who knows me knows I scare pretty fucking easily, so I was a big scared idiot the entire time. I also took the guide’s advice and said the thing you’re meant to say when you get into your car to stop ghosts going home with you. Honest to god, I got in the car, wound the windows down and said something like, “if there are any spirits here, you are NOT welcome and you gotta leave or whatever”. I don’t know why she stuck with me. – Matt
Oh my god, so years ago there was a cute boy that I was interested in, and we’d hung out a few times in group settings and had really flirty chats, so we arranged to go have dinner at some Tibetan restaurant. It was nice, we had more good flirty chats, and I was like, okay, this could be something! Anyway we walked back to my place, and at the front gate, it seemed like there was an opportunity for a cute first kiss, but instead he told me “soo … I’m straight and kind of have a girlfriend but I just really wanted to get to know you more.” I was like “oh wow, okay, fun!” but in my head was like “OH WOW, YOU NEED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY SO I CAN EAT MY FEELINGS IN PEACE”. My feelings taste like a packet of Tim Tams FYI. – Lachie
I went on a date with a guy from Uni and when we got to the bar I went to the ladies room. When I came back he had a gin and tonic for me. I was pleased because he remembered I liked gin and tonics. I thanked him for the drink and then he said ‘no thank you, I used your money.’ I thought he was joking but it turns out he went through my handbag found my wallet and paid for our drinks. I wouldn’t have minded buying drinks… i objected to him going through my bag without permission. And when I expressed that I was surprised he said, ‘I figured that you’re rich and I’m not so you could pay.’ – Bree
On my first date with my now boyfriend, I hadn’t eaten all day and he invited me to a gig he was playing at. It started at 2pm and it was an open bar, but the kind where they keep filling your glass up without you realising. Long story short – after what I can only assume was 2 bottles worth of red wine, I blacked out at like 5pm and he drove me back to his place (apparently having to place a box on my lap in the car in case I threw up) I passed out on his bed at about 6pm with my clothes on. He slept on the couch. Honestly never thought he would want to see this hot mess again but he thought it was hilarious and we have been together nearly 2 years now, ha! – Taygan
Years and years ago I went on a date with a guy named Louis, who seemed too good to be true. Really good looking, tall as hell, etc. We went for dinner and drinks and I just really wanted to jump his bones, then halfway through the date he spilled his drinks all over himself, sent a plate of fries hurling over the other side of the bar and inhaled a lit cigarette… He told me after that that things kept happening to him and he was extremely accident prone, to the point that nobody would stick around with him because of it. I didn’t really care tbh so I took him home, he kept tripping over the WHOLE ENTIRE WALK BACK TO MINE. Anyway I was ready to just get down, so he went to take off his shirt and his fingers got hit really hard by my metal ceiling fan… he ended up having to go to hospital and get stitches! I went with him to make sure he was okay. In the end I finally got laid after a couple of weeks and after he was free from stitches, but it was the biggest journey to sleep with someone that I’ll never ever do again. I lost contact with the guy but I still feel guilty that he had to go to the ER bc of my STUPID FKN FAN. – Justin
I went out with a guy recently who literally sat in front of me and googled me, because he full on tried to fight me over my job (I’m a news presenter). I’m talking “nah you’re lying, as if they’d put YOU on TV”, “you’re just saying that. You work behind the scenes don’t you?” Before proceeding to watch one of my stories online and launching into a “journalists are scum” rant. – Melissa