Dates can be a real head fuck.
Whether you’re undecided about even going, or you’ve been waiting too damn long to lock this human down, you’ll never quite feel prepared for what’s about to unravel.
But the thing with dates is that they’re like interviews: the more you go to, the better you get, and your chances of locking something (or someone) down increase tenfold every time. So what if there are a few bad pancakes along the way?
Below is how to feel as prepped as bloody possible when your next date rolls around so, you know, you have less chance of fucking this one up too.
REP SOME GOOD UNDERWEAR
We are not saying you’ll end up in your laceys or pocket-fronts (or heck, jock straps) on the date. Wearing good undies is an automatic confidence-booster for myself and at least three other P.TV staffers so look, therefore it’s a valid suggestion when we tell you to try it. (Try it.)
PANIC YO’ LITTLE HEART OUT
When I asked around about what people do before dates, one of the most common answers was to panic. So if I was going to turn this into a step for you, I’d say that you should take a full five minutes before the date to do exactly that.
It’s human to be nervous – makes you feel alive and all’a that. A good approach to take with dating is that it’s always better to know, than go through life wondering (even if your date is a total dud).
SOCIALLY LUBRICATE / HAVE A LIL’ PICK-ME-UP
It is not uncommon to have an alcoholic bevvy before a date. Think about how much smoother the convo flows after the first drink on any given date. Why would you want to prolong any awkwardness?
Keep it to a minimum of one standard drink because dates generally last three drinks or a meal (or both). You still want to be in control of your actions and not come across as a slob-ka-bob.
Of course if you are driving to / from your date you should be responsible – if you have more than the legal limit, get an Uber and sort out your car the next day.
Alternatively: coffee. Lord knows I can hardly keep my eyes open after work, let alone deliver scintillating conversation to the potential love of me life. Don’t shy away from a coffee a little later in the day (like 4pm-ish) if I’ve got a date lined up. You mightn’t sleep very well but like, priorities, you know?
GET EVERYTHING OUT OF YR SYSTEM
Pooing is a natural, normal, beautiful thing. That being said, needing to drop timber on a date can be distracting. While sitting on the toilet you may wonder: Do I have enough time to drop a number two? Is it going to be a quickie or a struggle? Are they going to ask questions if I take longer than expected? If I don’t do it, will I suffer abdominal pain for the rest of the night?
You can try and empty out your bowels beforehand so this isn’t an issue. That might include a some kind of concoction you know will loosey your goosey or, if you’re a certain person, you might wanna do a lil’ enema.
HAVE A LIL’ STALK ON SOCIAL MEDIA
This one’s debatable. If you get to know your date through their social media photos / statuses beforehand, you’ll have a good grasp on what kind of conversations they’ll be into and what might piss them off. However, you’ll also increase the chances of bringing up something (such as the cheeky nut on a Mykonos trip five years ago) even though it hasn’t been discussed by the pair of you. It could be awkward, and not because you’ve seen the guy’s nuts.
That being said, heaps of people just ~own~the stalk now and say it loud and proud. Some are partial to the element of surprise and not getting to know people through a screen. It’s honestly up to you and (sue me) how traditional you are.
TURN OFF YR NOTIFICATION SETTINGS
If you’re going on a Tinder date, the person you’re sitting across from probably / definitely wasn’t the only contender. And that’s OK, one should keep their options open. Hell, if they’re at your fingertips (literally) then why wouldn’t you collect and select? But no one (and I mean no one) wants to see your other hustles popping up on your phone screen when your undivided attention should be on them.
While you’re at it, shut down any notifications that might embarrass you. If you’ve got an iPhone it’s as simple as Settings > Notifications. Be prepped.
BRUSH THE OL’ TEETH
Don’t drink coffee? Don’t smoke ciggies? Don’t eat red onions or garlic? DON’T CARE. You must and you will brush your teeth before a date as a rule of basic hygiene. You never know if you’ll cop a sneaky pash but also, you’ll just feel more confident all-round. If you’re literally going straight from work than pop a mint or chewy instead. Won’t set you back much, promise.
SIT DOWN IN ROOM
Hear me out. A lot of dates are sitting dates and sometimes when you go to sit down, you can find that your bum crack pops out of your pants. Maybe you only feel comfortable in that tee when you’re standing upright. Maybe the button on your bottoms digs so hard into your bod that it causes distracting abdominal pain. You need to be comfortable.
MAKE SURE YOU GOT SOME DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS, YO
You should never assume how the payment is going to go down. It is 2017 after all. Get cold, hard, cash out before you go on your date. A couple of $20s is usually a good bet.
If you’re all “I’ve only got my card” you’re going to look like a leech. Think about how you look at your friends when you do that. That’s why the transport gods invented Uber, after all. However, there’s no widely used wining and dining equivalent quite yet, and some waiters still chuck a hissy over split bills. Figure it out.
GROOM YO’SELF
Another confidence booster is to rock up as the best version of yourself. You don’t want a rogue bodily hair, bleeding scab, shirt stain or smudged makeup making you feel self conscious. Simples. Shave areas that you want shaven, deodorise the areas that need to be deodorised and like, do your hair. Be very careful when popping pimples prior to a date.
If you reckon you’re not copping many hot dates these days, enter below to become Tinder’s Profile Of The Month. We reckon you’ll be fighting ’em off after nabbing that crown.
And remember, while a bad pancake might go straight to the bin, there’s a whole lot of batter where that came from.
Better date than never.
