So things are getting pretty serious up in here. You may find yourself in the very near future stuck at home in isolation. You may already be socially distancing from the public so as to avoid catching or spreading the infamous coronavirus – in which case, good! Great, even! We should all be socially distancing to help flatten the curve.

But, just because you want to avoid spreading disease, doesn’t mean you have to avoid spreading your legs. In fact, for my coronavirus isolation period, I plan on fucking more than Tommy and Pam on their honeymoon, because I’m a big believer and frequent participant in online sex.

Isolation? More like I’m-so-laid, son! (I took longer than you might think to work on that.) Here is your guide for satisfying sex while not coming into contact with as much as a mosquito.

Firstly, you will need an online sex partner. 

These are simply too easy to find. If you want one person to have a cute isolation fling with, build rapport through an Insta DM slide to someone you find intriguing. Odds are they are as physically lonely as you right now, so your chances of success are significantly higher than usual. 

Whether they live in the Swiss Alps or next door makes literally no difference for cyber fucking, so why not opt for an overseas bae? Don’t be afraid of different time zone baes either. I recently had an online boyfriend from Atlanta in the USA. His late night horny hours synced with my post work randy perfectly. 

Suddenly need to cum in five mins and don’t care with who? Tinder is pretty good for this, otherwise you can always fall back on Chatroulette (yeah, I said it). 

Next, stock up on vibrators and sex toys.

After rushing to my local adult store in the height of recent Covid panic buying, I was surprised to find the isles weren’t bare as the TP isles at Coles. Get your priorities in order…

Have a real life bae with Covid-19? Would be cute to have one of these remote control vibrators so that they can make you cum all the way from their isolation zone. I have one but don’t have a boyfriend so I just control it for myself when I feel lonely. Other great options include making replicas of your genitals and posting them to each other.

So, online sex options for you and your internet bae:

1. Text Sex

Text sex is a good option if you are super shy or new to online sex. Other benefits include reading back on that shit when you are horny again (which is ace), and being able to send older, better nudes if you are simultaneously binge eating (another benefit of isolation).

However, I feel sexting is better for getting a little wet/ hard/ what have you while you are at work rather than actually being pant-less and code red in your bedroom. There is a little too much of picking your phone up, typing, putting it down again to touch yourself to actually masturbate well enough. Also, typos (although hilarious) can too easily ruin the mood. 

If you are going to sex text, try to avoid saying “I want you to do this.. I want you to do that ….” too much. Just say it as if it’s happening. Otherwise it takes up too much time to type, and looks ridiculous when you read back on it. 

2. Voice Memo Sex

Or as I like to call its, phone sex training wheels. Works with iMessage or Whatsapp. It’s the best of both worlds as it’s super quick (no typing involved) yet you have time to think about a perfectly sexy reply, or re-record one if you said something far too freaky. Just be aware on iMessage, they can save your recordings. I have kept all the sex voice memos I’ve received and listen to them on the bus. I keep a cool poker face, as if I’m just another girl listening to Taylor Swift.

3. Phone Sex

Sounds very 1980s but when it’s good, it’s magical. Millennials are notoriously shit at talking on the phone. My roommate recently asked me to call the hair salon for her to make her appointment… pathetic. If this sounds like you, I want you to know: The only thing that will make you sound silly during phone sex is your lack of confidence. Trust me, you can make your bae cum by saying “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” as long as you have self confidence when you say it.

You are painting a fantasy, so don’t be afraid to say whatever the fuck comes to mind. It helps to talk about senses like taste and touch. You also have a licence to be more creative and aggressive than you usually would be. It’s easier than you think, just talk about what you would do to each other if coronavirus wasn’t buttfucking the world. Maybe don’t mention coronavirus though. You can mention buttfucking if that’s your thing.

Best of all to remember is don’t be afraid of silence. The person is also wanking while speaking to you and you don’t yap away the whole time during sex either. Just be calm and concentrate on getting yourself off. That will turn your bae on which will in turn turn you on and thus begins the sweet, sweet cycle of epic phone sex. 

4. Skype Sex

I find this to be literally just as easy as IRL sex. It’s even easier if you are someone who doesn’t like to cuddle afterwards because you can just say your goodbyes and hangup. All you have to do is grab your sex toy or your hand, set yourself in front of that camera and mazzy away while watching them do the same. I find there to be no awkwardness or embarrassment when it comes to Skype/ Facetime sex, it’s all a good fun vibe. 

Switch the camera angles around as often as you would switch sex positions IRL. On your knees in front of the camera is great, camera on the bedside table is great, camera at foot of bed is great too. Camera at junk level is topsaroo. Be loud and proud. Tell each other that you like what you are seeing and what you would like to see. 

But my god, nothing dries up my puss quite like a glitchy and laggy Skype sex sesh due to a bad internet connection. That shit just ain’t sexy.

I wish you the sexiest of times during this troubling period. Stay safe, wash your hands  and call me 😉 x