As someone who has never made a mistake at work, let alone hit the big blue ‘Publish’ button on content with glaring flaws, I simply do not understand the kind of people who would ever falter in their paid duties. As a consummate professional with a faultless record, their ways escape me.
Still, it is important for writers to face the confusing and the unknown in an attempt to understand the dazzling breadth of human experience. This focus on empathy and exploration led me to a Twitter thread recounting some god-almighty workplace fuck-ups, and it behooves me to share this knowledge with you all.
After the folks behind British messageboard b3ta asked their Twitter following about their gnarliest mistakes, hundreds of contrite (or not) employees have shared their tales. Tales like that of Seamas O’Reilly, who once met former Irish President Mary McAleese while off his nut on ketamine.
Got my days wrong and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine. https://t.co/gSjPY8WjKL
— The author, Séamas O’Reilly (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
My role is pretty weird, I have to stand in the corner and then every 15 mins, INTERRUPT this live-wire pair to offer them drinks, which protocol dictates they must refuse. I have barely processed any of this before I’m grabbing a tray and heading upstairs.
— The author, Séamas O’Reilly (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
Time passes on my own. Empires crumble and glaciers dissolve, stars die and oceans melt, out on the dusty planes of mother earth, hot bursts of young love gift the miracle of life; children are born, raised, stricken infirm and die of old age.
And then Mary McAleese walks in.
— The author, Séamas O’Reilly (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
So at this point I’m thinking, wellll, I’m definitely fired but this will one day make a great story on an Nazi-riddled microblogging platform. I make my way to the staff area, wipe my sopping face and check my phone. I had only been in the room for 35 minutes.
— The author, Séamas O’Reilly (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018
O’Reilly says he wasn’t fired for his gurning performance, but some of the other folks who offered their stories… well, look. There are some charming and all-too-human clangers in here.
Design (student) teacher at the time. Use ovens to heat metal/plastic. Thought I could warm up a pastie too. Que acrid black smoke 4 minutes later, fire alarms and an entire block cleared.
15 years later I run the department. pic.twitter.com/hLl4g1EC8U— Pete Gillespie (@tameblue) May 3, 2018
My friend who did WE on the ASDA bakery at the same time set a donut jam machine to fill a donut with 666 shots of jam rather than 6 as the button got stuck. Saw it pumping like mad and just went home. Stain remained on their floor for MONTHS.
— Tobby Watson (@chas_hodges) May 3, 2018
I once fucked the laminating machine at the charity I was volunteering at by trying to laminate a teabag. https://t.co/rLseF5wqKK
— Tom Doran 🇺🇦🏴🇬🇧 (@portraitinflesh) May 3, 2018
https://twitter.com/hannahjdavies/status/992045539616313344
As a young, newly qualified nurse I had to catheterise an 18 year old young man. He was obviously nervous. As I was about to begin he asked “Is it small?” I replied “I’ve seen smaller.” Turns out he was referring to the catheter 🤦🏼♀️
— Mrs G 🍃 (@Polly_Gall) May 3, 2018
And yes, our brethren in the media also had their say.
During a night-shift I updated the grid on the Telegraph website crossword without updating the clues. The day-shift guys had to deal with all the angry emails. There were many.
— alanbenzie 🇺🇦 (@alanbenzie) May 3, 2018
https://twitter.com/jg_ccpress/status/992032098327330816
Early 1990s, worked in publishing. Sent finished proofs (hard copy) of a novel to the printers minus the last page. Eek.
2.5k printed (incomplete) copies arrived back…. On the plus side, the reviews were really good. Critics especially liked the cliff-hanger ending…
— Zoë O’Connor (@zoconnor) May 3, 2018
If you are like me – the Platonic ideal of an employee who has never erred from their duties – you might enjoy reading the the full thread HERE.
