Let me completely clear with you: I have absolutely no time for unnaturally large fruits and vegetables and those who would seek to grow them. I believe that fruit and veg should remain at the normal size they have evolved to over many millions of years of chemical and biological processes, and that making them insanely large so you can win a prize hog at the county fair is basically spitting in the face of God. That being said, we must nonetheless begrudgingly report on the big ones if and when they do happen.
According to the local Fox affiliate over in Washington, farmer of large fruit and veg Dan Sutherland has broken his own record with a tomato clocking in at a frankly unsustainable 4.2kg. Here it is sitting on the scales like some kind of horrifying tumour excised from a patient in a 19th century hospital:
Congrats to Dan Sutherland for growing the new World Record tomato at 9.435 pounds. Wow! pic.twitter.com/tcb3ld3s0c
— John Young (@jkpayoung) July 29, 2018
Look at that abomination. It looks like the kind of thing that would fall out of an inter-dimensional rift in a John Carpenter movie. It looks like the atrophied brain of an evil alien. It looks someone filled a plastic bag with supermarket mince and Mountain Dew as part of the world’s worst art project. One thing it does not look like is a tomato as I understand it.
Officials with the Great Pumpkin Commonwealth, an organisation with the thankless task of verifying the weights of enormous produce, confirmed that this is the real deal. It beats out Sutherland’s previous record, which was a tomato clocking in at a comparatively measly 3.9kg.
The announcement has sent the world of Facebook into a tizzy, with the biggest influencers and most prominent brands going absolutely bonza for the mighty fruit. Case in point:
Again, I must stress: this is not a tomato. It is something else, something not of this world, something forbidden and sinful. Somebody do the world a favour and destroy this monstrosity before it spreads.
