It seems like Woolworths has very strategically placed a Happy Valentines Day sign next to a massive crate of $1 Dildos…I mean cucumbers. And I’m all for this ~not so~ subtle advertising.
Gawler Woolworths in Adelaide have really out done themselves by ensuring every customer has an extra special Valentine’s Day. Either the placement of the sign is a happy accident or one employee thought they’d be a bit cheeky by intentionally putting the sign there.
As you might know Valentine’s Day is the worst day in the calendar year for everyone. Either A) you’re single and feel shit because you’re single or B) you’re in a relationship and your other half fucks up by forgetting to get you a present or book a table somewhere. To be honest, I’ve been both and maybe that’s why I’m extremely cynical. But here’s my hot take: If it’s not a public holiday, I don’t give a toss.
But here’s why a cucumber is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. It can be used as a makeshift dildo if you’re single, and can be used to spice up the bedroom if you’re in a relationship. It’s a win-win situation. You can also use it to make a mean salad, which is the definitely the more boring option.
“No one uses a cucumber as a dildo,” I hear you mutter behind your screen. Well no, cucumber dildos are actually more common place than you might think.
When Fifty Shades of Grey first hit cinemas many Ushers were complaining about finding cucumbers on people’s seats after the movie ended. Now, I will leave that up to your imagination. But, I think I’ve made my point.
And it wasn’t just international cinema’s, one cucumber was found at the Hayden Orpheum in Sydney. Just look at the girth on that one.
That awkward moment when you find a cucumber in the cinema after a Fifty Shades session…???? pic.twitter.com/FafcJX5gFB
— Hayden Orpheum Picture Palace (@haydenorpheum) February 13, 2017
Give your bae a cuCUMber this Valentine’s Day, courtesy of Woolworths.