I love cooking and I love TikTok but I despise cooking TikTok. It’s chaotic and ghastly and for some reason, the people in the kitchen are always strangely aggressive. But I have found the final cooking TikTok boss, who is without a doubt the most anarchic and gung-ho person to ever roast a chook: White Claw chicken woman.
I present to you the most vile and deeply disturbing cooking TikTok I have ever seen in my life. I don’t believe any further proof is required to confirm that we are indeed God’s children and he has left us to perish in a hot car.
Brittnee Alexus, from the moment you held that Silkie chicken by the throat and stared straight into its dead, cold eyes, my life changed.
And then you snipped its feet, tail and head off and plonked them in the bowl like you were just whacking your keys on the table.
I mean, look at this thing. Has it not suffered enough?
Being forced to model for the camera with its wings akimbo, and not a foot nor head to be seen. Only for it to be washed and mercilessly beaten dry with a paper towel some seconds later.
“Wash your meat,” Alexus said.
“Beat your eat. It needs to be dry.”
But at what cost? My sanity? My happiness, as Bernard Fanning once sang when Powderfinger still existed?
After slapping the carcass dry, Alexus made the sign of the cross. Me too, babe. Me too.
The next 13 or so seconds were relatively normal; Alexus seasoned the chicken and brought a cast iron pan out. Then out came a can of lemon-flavoured White Claw.
She poured half in the pan and then, with what can only be described as a blank, fluoride stare, glared at the camera as she spilled some on the floor.
“To show respect to the bird,” Alexus said.
Any semblance of respect was quashed in approximately five seconds when she put the empty White Claw can in the pan, filled it with oregano and then shoved it up the bird’s ass.
In the immortal words of Sharon Strzelecki in Kath & Kim: “It’s hideous! It’s unnatural! God’s a bastard!”
Alexus bunged the poor creature into the oven before pulling it out, scorched within an inch of its life.
My sister in Christ that looks like dogshit.
I know it was well and truly dead before this moment but seeing it on the baking tray, all black and charred and crisp, I genuinely hope this sweet Silkie reached the chooky afterlife. I wish it’s running around a beautiful, quaint farm with all its barnyard friends. Maybe it will befriend a talking pig. Who knows. But I wish it well.
Alexus cut into the bird, tearing its tender, dark flesh apart, before doing something that has haunted and vexed me since I saw it. She ate the chicken heart like it was a gum ball. Just whacked it in her mouth. Haunted scenes.
The video ended in a similarly cursed manner, with Alexus holding her dog — which is the same colour as the chicken — in one hand and a wing in the other. And then the dog, being a dog, started eating the chook.
I don’t want to subject the good sis Nigella Lawson to this lawless league of cooking but I simply must hear her commentary on White Claw chicken. I think it would be polite yet passy aggressive.