You guys, I know this looks like a really self-serving, narcissistic article but truly I am just so upset. I am SO upset. And really what I am doing here is trying to find some like-minded individuals so I don’t feel so marooned on HELL ISLAND, aka the Pedestrian.TV editorial work pod – which is full of heinous criminals who eat Weet-Bix in the most ungodly of ways.

So I switched from eating 2 eggs on toast to Weet-Bix this week after finding out my cholesterol levels (!!!) are high (!!!) which – what the fuck guys, I do not eat donuts and fried meat sticks every day so how. Whatever. Bodies are weird. The point being, eggs are high in cholesterol according to one Google search I did so I am moving to the bran side on things for a bit.

This prompted a lengthy conversation about the right and frankly, satanic ways to eat Weet-Bix. I’ll cover off all the horrific things I heard here, in handly sub-headings so you really understand the evil ways my colleagues operate.

you must always buy your Weet-Bix in kilos, fact.

1. “Two Weet-Bix Is Enough”

I eat six bricks of Weet-Bix. I could go five in a pinch but anything less seems like far too little. They’re tiny compact bricks of wheat, you need a fair few to make a meal, in my opinion. But, my desk buddy Matt Hopkins was taken aback by my full bowl of Bix.

“Well how many do you have, then?” I asked through a mouthful of soggy bran.

“Two to three, two is enough.”

TWO???? Is this man HIGH???

Courtney Fry from our Melbs office agreed with Matt (via an online work chat obviously), which further fuelled my anxiety. Was I eating an inordinately large amount of Bix? Was I weird? I don’t like to be weird. I like to be part of the homogenous part of society when it comes to my eating habits. I had a look at the packet and WEET-BIX RECKON 2 BRICKS IS A SERVING SIZE. Are these people okay? Do they have stomachs the size of peas?

2. “Eight To Ten, No Less”

Six was perfect, and I would like to add that Cam Tyeson from our Melb office made the note of “six is the number of kings” in regards to Weet-Bix bricks. I like to think we are on Gods side here. But my Editor Josie told me alarmingly that her brother HAS to eat eight bricks a day. Someone in our projects team was also on the eight bricks train. Eight seems like TOO many Weet-Bix but I won’t judge considering they’re closer to my intake.

Then there were some people in sales who told me they eat ten. TEN WEET-BIX?? You’d need a mixing bowl to even fit them in. Not to mention a literal litre of milk – I’m not exaggerating – to soak them enough. Christ alive.

3. “I eat Weet-Bix with a fork.”

So I’m already alarmed at the ungodly TWO BRICKS FOR BREAKFAST trend I’m noticing, when Brad Esposito, our Senior News Editor, asks why I’m eating with a spoon. I say because it’s…  cereal. Does anyone NOT eat cereal with a spoon?

“I eat Weet-Bix with a fork.”

I. EAT WEET-BIX. WITH. A FORK. I shit you not, the guy eats his soggy granules of wheat with a fork. Why? Apparently it “keeps milk out of it”, with his argument being “you don’t drink the milk”. I… I am so unwell over this. He also said he eats them out of a metal bowl his girlfriend calls “the dog bowl” which is a whole other can of worms I simply can’t mentally open right now.

4. “They’re Good With Vegemite”

It got far worse. Josie started to tell us that her dad made her eat Weet-Bix with Nuttelex, that margariney-type spread you use on toast, and Vegemite. Just two dry bricks with BUTTER AND VEGEMITE. Why? Why inflict this punishment on your child?

I thought surely only one human being on the planet could be doing this heinous crime to cereal, but then when I was screaming about it in the office someone in our video team said he eats his Weet-Bix like that all the time.

Is it the apocalypse?

What I would really, really like from anyone reading this is some validation that the only healthy, sane way to eat Weet-Bix is this: 4-6 bricks, enough milk to soggy them up but also leave some milk in the bowl, and with a fucking SPOON. Email me editor@pedestriangroup.com.au or just go off in the comments.

But if you eat yours with a fork, politely remove yourself from society and take Brad with you.