Just Gonna Say It: Vodka Soda Is The Runt Of The Family

Which one of you inbreds was responsible for the atrocity that is a vodka soda?

Luckily no one has to snitch because I did some sleuthing (see: Wikipedia) and it turns out there was no specific inventor, which makes sense because no sane individual would be caught dead taking credit for the Ned Flanders of drinks.

Now look, I get the mass appeal. I do. You don’t want to drink something as heavy as a beer and the taste is inoffensive, but is that what you’re going to treat yourself to on a night out with the two remaining friends you didn’t isolate with your wrong opinions? Really?

And don’t think I haven’t noticed the bartender whacking a dehydrated cucumber on the rim to make it seem worthy of its price tag. Oh yes, that’s exactly what I want with my fizzy drink of nothing – cucumber. The vegetable equivalent of chemical castration.

At what point does someone say to themselves, ‘You know what would make this tasteless drink more appealing? An equally tasteless garnish.’

The mind truly does weep.

One more glaring problem for me is that majority of the time, a vodka soda will come with a straw. It’s a clear liquid, who’s genuinely scared of staining their teeth? I bet the same people who drink it through a straw also rawdog a coffee three times a day, so I don’t want to call you hypocrites but you know…if the shoe fits.

Okay, one last tidbit before I burst into flames. For too long I’ve had to sit through conversations with snobs who claim that good quality vodka is barely detectable.

Excuse me, but if I didn’t want to taste alcohol in my drink, I’d sit at home and drink water straight from the tap. I paid good money for my bev.

If I’ve convinced you that you need to change your ordering habits, but you don’t know what you should switch to, might I suggest a couple of the below? They pack a punch, actually taste like something and they aren’t translucent.

You’ll find some vodka soda alternatives (and me) at the Jose Cuervo Tequila pop-up bar at Selfish Saturday, our self-care festival presented by The House of Angostura on Feb 22 at Melbourne’s The Timber Yard.

I’ll be perched on a seat, silently death-staring everyone who cockily orders a vodka soda while they tell anecdotes about that one fun thing they did 12 years ago.

There’ll be a fuck-tonne of music, talks from the likes of Alex Hayes and sexologist Chantelle Otten, plus nude drawing, vibrator races, food trucks and everything in-between.

Now put down those bloody vodka sodas and get some tickets HERE.

Friendly reminder to be 18+ if you’re gonna (responsibly) bev.