Since I was a kid, I have eaten tomatoes like they are apples.

It’s only now, after screaming this across the entire office (I do this a lot, RIP everyone who works with me) that I’ve realised this is apparently “weird” and “not done”. It’s like the time I learned not everyone puts their shredded cheese in the freezer, or that some people think baby frankfurts are normal. Who eats baby frankfurts besides Sharon Strzelecki?

sorry shaz

Let me explain what I mean. I do also eat tomatoes like most of society – cutting them up for salads, slicing them for sangas. I just will also rifle through the veggie drawer in the fridge of an arvo, whip out a juice tomatey-guy, and chow down on it as a snack.

I start with one big sideways bite, then make my way around the same way I would with a Granny Smith. You have to be careful not to shoot the seeds/juice all over yourself in the process, so sometimes I’ll suck that stuff out first. But that’s a bit gross and sort of only-at-home behaviour. If I’m in public I’ll just try not to make a mess.

My sister’s advice was that she eats them in “sections”. Specifically, she said “I eat each pocket of goo as I go around”.

as IF that doesn’t look like a delicious little meal

I leave the “core”, sort of – I KNOW TOMATOES DON’T HAVE A CORE. But like, the top bit where the stem grows from can be a bit how’s your father, you know? A bit skew-iff, a bit funny feeling. I don’t like it in my mouth and I won’t change my ways. So after I’ve eaten around the tomatey like it’s an apple, I then eat upward and leave the stem-bit for the trash.

I’d also like to note here, because I know you’re all looking at me through your phones/computers/tablets (do we use tablets anymore?) incredulously – we socially accept cherry tomatoes as a snack, so why not their big boy brothers? Huh? What’s the difference, you judgemental bastards?

The best tomateys for snacks (not counting cherry, ofc) are those cheap shitty ones. They’re kind of crunchy so they fill you up more. If the tomato is too ripe, it feels a bit floury and that is NOT a vibe for snack-time.

But beware – you can buy too-crunchy snack tomatoes. You need to look for a bright red skin, not that weird washed-out flesh looking colour. Those are disgusting anyway, no one wants to be associated with those. So this was kind of a moot point. I’m sorry, I treated you all like ignorant fools – you know to avoid the strange skin-toned tomatoes.

Roma tomatoes are great snacks, too. You have to eat these differently, from the bum bit upward. You know what I mean when I say the bum bit, right?

that’s the bum

Again, my advice would be to leave the stem part, but Romas are great for a lighter snack – and bonus points, you rarely splash the seed juice (seed juice sounds sexual, doesn’t it…) when you eat them.

Look, the vine tomateys are a risk. They’re often the really ripe ones that are best left for cooking and salads. They’re just far too much in one hit, in my opinion.

Anyway I have no fucking idea how any of this is weird, as we all know tomatoes are classified as fruit (even though my colleague Cam vehemently objected to this, saying “if tomatoes are a fruit, then pizza is a dessert” – I anticipate a Hot Take from him on this, as a rebuttal. Basically, in terms of human behaviour it should be normal and fine to eat tomatoes like apples, ok? I’M NORMAL. I REFUSE TO BE OUSTED FROM SOCIETY.

Look I’ve reached around 600 words here, I think that’s more than enough on this topic.

Image: Getty Images