If you’re a reg at Starbucks, you’ll have some kind of passing knowledge about the infamous Secret Menu – it’s not necessarily a menu where if you nod twice, pull your ear, and say “oneway offeecay easeplay” a secret note is handed to you with some off-the-menu options.

Over Halloween is when the really rank ones come out – sure they might be a matcha base or something like that but hooley dooley do they just kinda look like they’d make my teeth crumble out of my head when sipped upon.

Sadly Starbucks in the US has confirmed it’s not doing a special Halloween brew this year, the first time in like five years, upsetting plenty of fans of the Good Brown Bean, so we thought we’d go through all the monstrosities that have come out of the famed secret menu over the years.

So behold, all the Starbucks secret menu drinks based on how much they’d 100% give me a sugar rush with a comedown so hard I’d be left wondering if I actually accidentally laced myself with hard drugs.

Frappula Frappuccino

I’m tempted to give Australia the benefit of the doubt here because a) Halloween is a relatively newish concept and b) we’re not as fucken wild for drinks so sugary they’d blow you through to next week.

But in saying that, we did have that whole moment when we were obsessed with those fucked-up freakshakes, so I’d like to think we can do better than this.

It just looks like Neopolitan ice cream in a cup. Boo.

Red Night Frappuccino

Japan’s copped two (2) limited edition Halloween bevs this year, the Red Night and the Dark Night frappuccino. It comes with a little straw with a tiny masquerade mask (!!!) and the red one kinda looks like you’re sipping on a really heavy strawberry thing, and the dark night actually just looks like a dark choc. I could probably knock these back and not feel like my teeth were going to fall out of my head.

Franken Frappuccino

It’s choc mint, I’m about it. I’m very about it. Would drink. I’ve seen some people switch out the green tea base with matcha (another green tea but diff flav) and I simply don’t know how to feel about it.

Zombie Frappuccino

The cream whip looking like brains is very cute, but something about it that makes my teeth hurt a little. Apparently it’s a ‘Green Caramel Apple’ flavour which just seems…wrong? Whatever, I’d give this a go but probably couldn’t get through the whole thing.

Witches Brew Frappuccino

This one amps up the grot by putting in a clump of chia seeds and I just, wow. No. No thank you. That takes it into a texture land that I simply did not want tickets to.

Also, why is it bloody PURPLE? Delete this from the secret menu right now.

Phantom Frappuccino

Literally, nothing about this looks edible. Nothing.

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Tie-Dye Frappuccino

There is nobody that’s going to make a tooth-achingly offensive drink better than the Americans. Truly. The Tie-Dye frappuccino from their secret menu is a perfect example of that.

It looks like it’ll give you an instant headache while also tapping into your long-lost love, the Rainbow Paddlepop. Bet it tastes only like caramel, too.

(Apparently it’s banana flavoured, and that’s fucken DESTROYED my day.)

Unicorn Frappuccino

Just fucken, no. None of this. Food should not be this colour.

Image: Instagram / @viruki1211 / @raincouver.eats / @soleil_yichen