HELLO, MATES.

It’s time to discuss Sizzler, the last bastion of your perfect (read: nostalgia-fuelled memories) childhood. That fantastical place where food was plentiful and you could have spaghetti with ice-cream on top if you so wished.

Surprisingly to most, Sizzler’s still exist in Australia. Yes, they really do. In fact, I went to one just a week ago in Campbelltown, NSW. There’s actually FOURTEEN restaurants that still exist, okay? OKAY? So do not start with me.

I have made a definitive list of the best Salad Bar offerings at Sizzler. It is DEFINITIVE. Because I have a job here and you don’t, you don’t get to question me and that is why I love my job. I can just yell things into the abyss of the internet and demand they are true, and that is just that. So here we bloody go.

#10 POTATO BAKE

Sweet, angelic potato bake. I want to love you so. But very often you have half-cooked slices of potate and you taste a bit bland. Occasionally though, you are amazing – and you are muy starchy so that gets you extra points over, say, the potato salad. Which is frankly shithouse.

#9 FIRE ENGINE SOFT DRINK

You cannot – CANNOT – go to Sizzler and drink anything besides “Raspberry Lemonade”, aka Fire Engine drink. It is pure sugar. It will give you a raging headache. It is probably doing monstrous things to your arteries/general internal organs. But man. Hoooooo man. Is it delicious.

#8 APPLE CRUMBLE

The apple crumble is good? I guess? Like it’s fine? It’s just a bit sugary and not on par with the other desserts. Everyone knows dessert at Sizzler is the primo meal of the evening, so it had to be included. And it actually tastes like something, unlike, say, the MOUSSE. That abomination.

#7 GREEN SALAD COVERED IN THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING

If you go to Sizzler and don’t get the always-creepily-perfect cherry tomatoes and green lettuce and cucumber slices, feel healthy, then slather it all in copious amounts of Thousand Island Dressing, are you even at Sizzler? Do you even have a soul? No.

#6 BREAD AND BUTTER PUDDING

Sweeeet bread and butter pudding – I wanted to put you as #2, but sadly, I knew I would be rumbled beyond belief because a lot of PLEBS (!!!) don’t LIKE bread and butter pudding. But you’re so perfectly beige! You’re like the G rated version of dessert and I will forever love you/eat half a tray of you and then lie and say I only took one spoonful.

#5 SPAGHETTI WITH BOLOGNESE SAUCE

That bolognese sauce may as well have drugs in it. I mean it DOESN’T (lalala don’t sue me, Sizzler!) but it may as well have bc hot damn I have like three servings of this shit every time I go to Sizzler (I go quite regularly, ok) and it just has the je ne sais quoi, the how’s your father element to it. I realise that is the incorrect use of “how’s your father” but I DON’T CARE I AM THE CAPTAIN NOW.

#4 NACHOS/TACOS

You can make that mexican mince into WHATEVER YOU BLOODY WELL WANT and that’s why it comes in at number 4. Side note – once my sister put it on spaghetti thinking it was bolognese. Do not recommend.

#3 ICE CREAM WITH 40 TOPPINGS

You can only have the ice cream at Sizzler if you laden it with so many fucking sprinkles and marshmallows and other shit that you can’t see ice cream underneath anymore and that is final.

#2 POTATO SKINS

Potato, get in the bin and be wasted forever. Potato skins, hello. Add sour cream and bacon bits and you are ON FIRE, mates.

#1 CHEESE BREAD

 

Obviously. I mean come fucking on. Did you think anything else would win this countdown? Did you? You sweet, innocent, naive martian. If you have never experienced the tastebud joy that is cheese bread, take thee to the nearest Sizzler NOW and then write personally to me, [email protected], to send me your love letter to the buttery, cheesy delight.

Image: SIzzler