In news that will see the Chicken Crimpy quaking in its salty little cowboy boots, Arnott’s is dropping a new Shapes range with four new flavours. Get your hands on these bad boys and your status as a kick ons host will surely increase tenfold, no matter the dampness of your couch or the stickiness of your garage walls.

And these Shapes are not just your average Shapes, my dear snacking friends. They are Shapes Fully Loaded. They are the cool older cousin of the Shapes family. They have at least one stick and poke tattoo and wear Dr Martens.

“Fully Loaded with what?” you may be asking. With both flavour and crunch, according to Arnott’s.

These are of course the two most important factors when it comes to savoury snacks.

Crunchy and chewy are the supreme food textures, but chewy is ideal for sweet snacks while crunchy is ideal for savoury snacks. Case in point: chips (both corn and potato), carrot sticks, popcorn and of course, Shapes.

Arnott’s took Shapes Fully Loaded into a soundproof booth and found their crunch registered at 87.25 decibels. Out of 13 snacks — which included various chips and crackers — the Shapes Fully Loaded had the most powerful crunch of all.

A delicious party slash family gathering slash festival snack to be sure, but maybe don’t bring them into a cinema.

Of course you’re now undoubtedly wracked with curiosity about the flavour of these eardrum-quaking treats. Stand aside Pizza and BBQ: there are new masters in town.

The new Shapes will come in four different flavours: Sizzling Meatlovers, Flame Grilled Chicken, Ultimate Cheese and most intriguingly, Epic Garlic Bread.

It’s unclear to me who gets the designate food with the formal title of “epic”. Surely there needs to be some sort of committee, or at the very least a series of by-laws.

You can absolutely sign me up for the Meatlovers flavour, which joins the OG Pizza and Hawaiian Pizza Shapes in the leagues of pizza inspired cracker. The number one genre of snack if you ask me.

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“We’re excited to launch our most off-the-scale, flavoursome and crunchy Shapes range with Fully Loaded,” said Shapes brand manager Alice Johnson in a press release.

“These new textures and flavours are epic and unique additions to the Shapes offering, and we know you will love crunching them as much as we do!”

I will be warning my dentist in advance before going absolutely ham in the snack aisle.

If you’re keen for the new Shapes flavours to tickle the soft underbelly of your tongue, you can score Sizzling Meatlovers, Flame Grilled Chicken and Ultimate Cheese at Woolies now. In a supreme tease, Epic Garlic Bread will be available at Coles but not until the end of August.

Now I am aware of its existence, I’m not sure how I’ll manage without that garlicky treat on my pantry shelf immediately. Catch me breaking into the Arnott’s testing labs just to lick the prototypes.

Image: Supplied / Arnott's