What The Fuck Is That, Shane Heal?

Shane Heal is a titan as far as Australian basketball is concerned. But if he was ever angling for a quick career shift into the culinary arts, this certainly ain’t a hot start.

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Heal, over the weekend, found himself jonesing for a snack. And so impressed was he with his own efforts that he took to Twitter to show it off.

Behold, the “Dim Sim Wrap,” in all its baffling glory.

Shane, my dude. My man. My cobber. My old mate. My china plate. My sir. My lord. My good bitch…

Sgarnon there, ay? What ah… what’s the go there, Shaneo? What’s happened?

Two out-of-the-packet dim sims presented here in a way I can most optimistically assess as “hopefully steamed,” a thick lashing of barbecue sauce, resting atop – and, presumably, inside – a fairly bog-standard flour tortilla.

From a purely proportionate standpoint, it’s a mess: That tortilla is far too large for its intended fillings. The dimmies, though a strong flavour unto themselves, will be swamped by the doughy outer casing and the mountain of sauce on top. Chuck two more in there and make it a full four banger, however, and we’d be really in business.

But it begs a deeper question: Why is Shane Heal, Australian basketball legend, eating like a first year chippy’s apprentice who’s four bongs into a 48-hour Call of Duty weekend?

Are we making the best of what’s left in the house in the days before the weekly shop here? Are we wolfing down a little treat in a rare child-free window and this is the literal quickest food item that still technically constitutes a whole meal? Are we enjoying the simple things in life now all those wild legal issues are over?

Hard to say. Probably even harder to eat.

‘Course if he turns around and says this was the fuel that gave him the vinegar needed to front up to Charles Barkley then I’d be willing to declare it our new national dish.

GET ‘EM, HAMMER.

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