Ahh, April Fool’s Day. The only day in the year that encourages everyone to lie through their teeth while giggling from afar. The day that’s actually half of a day because of some stupid made-up rule that means it ends at 12pm. Who even made up that rule anyway? I say we abolish it. April Fool’s Day should get a whole 24 hours of unhinged fuckerama.
Anyone who works in media, however, has a special kind of relationship with April Fool’s Day thanks to all of the prank pitches hitting our inboxes, tangled in with very legitimate announcements.
Which ones are real, pressing news alerts and which ones are jokes? Who knows! It’s our job to weed out the fake ones so we don’t report on them like gullible fools. Egg? On our faces? Not on my watch.
This year we received an absolutely ridiculous amount of April Fool’s pitches, many of them ASKING to be included in a round-up of batshittery. My friends, you do not get to just appear on these lists by requesting it. You need to earn your spot on the April Fool’s Day round-up.
As always we’ve decided to gather up all the craziness into one place, ranking the pitches from “hey, this is a good idea, you should actually do this,” to “if you email me one more time Krispy Kreme I’m going to waterboard myself with original glaze.”
Let’s get into it!
8. The Beanz Bag
I could have sworn this was already a thing?
Like, I’ve seen this in a [REDACTED]-fueled nightmare after a house party in which my housemate teetered on the edge between friends and lovers.
Needless to say this shit rocks and I wish it were real.
7. KX Pilates Reformer Bed Bed
I have no idea why KX Pilates (who teamed up with Koala for this idea) decided to call this fake item the “Reformer Bed Bed”, but more power to them honestly.
Just like last year (in which Koala offered up a race car bed as an April Fool’s joke), KX Pilates and Koala have come through with a product that should probably just be real already.
Where are the CRAZY batshit ideas, my friends? I want my eyeballs to be ripped out next year.
6. Sex Dolls SOLD Out
When Wild Secrets sent me this email I genuinely thought it was real.
However something about Melburnians buying sex dolls named “Donna” to keep them company on the busy Eastern Freeway made me question reality.
I mean, I can see it happening, but enough sex dolls to make a company sell out completely? Melburnians are hot. They don’t need sex dolls to get their fuck on.
5. Sriracha Krispy Kremes
When it comes to April Fool’s Day, the sick fucks at Krispy Kreme come out of the woodwork and put the most insane ideas on the office’s April 1st whiteboard.
Unfortunately one of the top dogs at KK then chooses this idea every year without fail to be sent out to every journalist in the country.
No, I do not want to send sriracha doughnuts to my loved ones. My nonna is already on the brink of death as it is.
4. Wagyu & Bone Marrow Krispy Kremes
For some reason, Krispy Kreme double-dipped in the April Fool’s pond this year.
Unfortunately, this wagyu sandwich doughnut actually looks heaven-sent.
As in, one bite would send me straight to the hereafter. RIP in peace my arteries.
3. Jellyfish Diving
This year, SEA LIFE Melbourne had a crazy idea: what if we let people recreate that haunting scene from Finding Nemo in which the jellyfish almost kill Marlin and Dory?
2. Tinder Banning Fish
This prank from Tinder goes so high on my list because so many publications reported on it.
It’s just such a good prank because it has an air of believability to it. Like, I could see Tinder doing this.
Well played, you cheeky binches.
1. The SubBab
Cursed. Unholy. Foul. Disgusting.
That’s what you’d want me to say about this kebab x Subway Frankenstein creation.
However, I will not. I need this in my life. Drunk me at 1am NEEDS this in HIS life.
This sub would cure me. I’d no longer have crippling anxiety. I’d no longer be gay. Such is the power of this wicked creation.
Subway, make it a THING.
To jot your memory, here are some of our April Fool’s faves from 2022:
Koala’s Car Bed
Babe, you can do so much better than this. If you’re going to title an email “Zzzzzzzoom zzzzzzzoom” I expect some excitement. Some gaiety. A bit more kachow.
First off, a car bed sounds fkn sick. You should actually just do one already. Representation for heterosexuals in products is important! It promotes… uh… “economic growth” as famous hetero Scott Morrison would once say.
Secondly, who drew this car bed? Give them a raise immediately, I’m crying.
Okay don’t arrest me but I think this idea has legs. It’s basically salted chocolate with a few extra steps. I reckon it’d taste DELISH.
This pitch gets extra points for the press release saying “available exclusively in your wildest imagination.” Because that’s exactly where it is. They know their audience, that’s for sure.
Arnott’s if you’re reading this, make this product. I can only have so many wet dreams about it.
The Wine-Proof Tracksuit
Which intern at Jimmy Brings decided this idea should be made into just an April Fool’s Pitch? This shit is genius!!
I can already see the four Shark Tank girlbosses and manspreaders salivating over this.
Mommy needs her medicine, so let her have it without fear of dampening her white satin chemise!
Taronga Zoo’s Six Bolivian Squirrel Monkeys
I spent an ungodly amount of time reading this email to figure out if it was real or not. Something about an email titled “six Bolivian squirrel monkeys” on April Fool’s Day really makes you question reality, y’know.
To make matters worse, Taronga Zoo specified that the monkeys only come out at 12pm to be fed. The exact time that April Fool’s Day ends. What the fuck.
In the end, I believe that Taronga actually DID welcome these babies today but… could the email not have waited until tomorrow friends? I’m already on edge as it is.
Deliveroo Coriander Sauce
I’m just gonna go out and say it, this isn’t that bad. Deliveroo should just be doing this. Coriander and pickle sauce sounds glorious.
Give me the option to add this on every single burger I order with you and you’d never see me order through anyone else. I promise. I will lay down my life for the pickle.
But then again I’m gay so me saying that probably comes as no surprise.
Webjet Skydiving Seats
Let it be known that Webjet NZ’s skydiving seats had a secure place on this list but it did eventually ask to be included. A moment of shameful silence for it not having faith in its own batshit ideas.
Me and my smooth brain genuinely thought this idea was real when I first read it. A flight that takes you to New Zealand and allows a select few in the skydiver seats to jump out? Sounds pretty sick I must say.
I’d be the one in the back ruining everyone’s lovely flight by screaming “I don’t wanna jump, I’m too pretty to die”. On second thought this idea is awful and I hate it. My fear of heights just kicked in.
SEEK on Mars
If an idea could win the award for “Best April Fool’s Day Pitch” it’d be this one. It’s so fkn funny to me.
Look at how clean that image looks. It changed its logo AND put it on the building. Also, the text cracks me up. “SEEK-ing those looking to take their career to new heights and planets???” Genius work.
Koala graphic designer, please meet Seek graphic designer. Help each other out next year, okay? Maybe go on a date or two, start a family. Idk how graphic design works.
Mr. Miyagi’s Chocolate Sushi
We’re getting into some real fucked up areas here.
Melbourne restaurant Mr. Miyagi pitched us this new dish it calls the “Happy-Mess”, because it looks like a mess and will probably destroy all happiness left inside you if you eat it.
Me, personally? Would love to try one of these naughty little chocco sushis. The idea of salmon covered in chocolate with a hint of wasabi intrigues my pallette. Honestly, I’ll put anything in my mouth once.
But then again I’m gay so me saying that probably comes as no surprise.
Now you can work AND play!
Sorry, I just vommed a bit in my mouth. Which sick freak thought this was a good idea, even as a joke?
Why the fuck would we need a liquid for our hair and to use as lube when we already have cum?
Violet Crumble Parmi
You folks are sick for this one. SICK.
Looking straight out of the set of Byron Baes come the Cooch Cundles from Youly.
A product that lets you, yes YOU, turn a mould of your pusswatcha into a scented candle.
The name is inspired, the design pics are hilarious and everyone at Youly is going to hell for making me see this.
Jessika Power’s Celebrity Slim Viagra-Laced Aphrodisiac Slimshake
Please oh great lord above let this be fake. Please, please let it be fake!
Reading the full name of this product to a small Victorian child would see them disintegrate in an instant, I’ll tell you what.
“I don’t need to lose weight, so because of my busy lifestyle I normally use Celebrity Slim as a meal replacement when I am on the road and running around,” said Jessika Power in the press release.
“The new Celebrity Slim shake has really upped the ante for me though. I love it!”
There is no WAY this is real. No way. If it is I’m suing Power’s team for… something. I’m still working out the kinks of this law thing.
Krispy Kreme Doughnut Iced Latte
This year, Krispy Kreme is our Gretchen Wieners. It gets NOTHING.
It emailed everyone and their nonna so many times I felt like the Dursleys being flooded with fkn letters.
To make matters worse, however, the whole pitch was that their April Fool’s pitch was… fake. So a joke product that’s actually real. Yes, you can go out and buy this. So it… isn’t an April Fool’s pitch. But it is. I hate it.
Krispy Kreme if you would like to remedy the sin you have committed, you can send a box of 12 original glazed my way please and thank you. Shame corner for you until next year.