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“Melts in your mouth, not your hand” is the slogan for Mars’ M&Ms, and some people, like me, take that slogan quite literally. What if you were to, for want of a better word, put an M&M in your mouth. Yes, I’m ranking the rootability of the horny as hell M&Ms. No I will not be taking questions at this time.

You may be sitting there thinking: “PEDESTRIAN.TV, why are you so horny all the goddamn time for the most arbitrary things?” And to you, my answer is: “yes.”

I mean, you’ve seen these characters, they’re all incredibly horny designs. Every single one of them. Unnecessarily high libidos for little round balls filled with chocolate. And me? Well, I’m in a perpetual state of writing horny content, so nobody is more perfect for the job here.

Here’s the cast to jot your memory. I will be ranking them from least to most rootable. Keep in mind they’re all rootable AF.

Susan Credle’s M&Ms Comedic Ensemble. Sorry Susan, for I am about to sin.

6. Orange

Wouldn’t even be able to get it in. Get outta here, Orange.

5. Yellow

Look, we’ve all been there. Yellow is that clumsy, brainless, dumb guy that you give a chance, and regret it later on. He treats you like he’s the hot one, when you’re clearly lowering your standards.

Let me be clear though, you absolutely will not be walking the day after.

Also, his main quote is apparently “inside everyone, there’s a little nut,” and I just have no words.

4. Dom Top Red

Be still my beating hole.

Red M&M would literally text me “come over right now,” I would, and then he’d block me on Grindr and call me a slur. I can guarantee it.

He exudes major dom top energy, and would absolutely ghost you without even giving it a second thought. Would the sex have been worth the emotional trauma though? Yes.

3. Ms Green

Look, her goddamn quote is “I melt for no one.”

When you think horny M&Ms, your mind immediately goes to Ms Green. She’s the OG queen of being hot, and she’s literally just a piece of chocolate… which just shows you her power.

Anyway, she could quite literally turn me straight with her Go-Go Boots alone, so put some respect upon her name.

2. Daddy Blue

Man, I just know this guy’s packing.

He’s that kind of tall and calm guy who pretty much never talks about fucking, but once you hit the sheets he absolutely wrecks you into next year, and then sticks around just to cuddle.

Yes, I know he’s an animated character, but as someone who has slept with men that this character is clearly based on, I am absolutely horny for Blue.

In fact, my bf is just a moustached version of Blue, so that probably explains a lot.

1. Ms Brown

Queen, you can hit the strap any day.

Ms Brown is the kind of icon that you pay to just step on you. She’s extremely hot, like, impossibly hot. So hot, in fact, that my gay ass had to put her at the top of the list.

Madame, if you’re reading this, my boyfriend will make an exception for you.