Personally, I fucking hate chocolate gift boxes. Don’t want ’em! Don’t really have much of a sweet tooth, would much prefer if you just gave me $10 in a card, nan.
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But it goes without saying that Christmas is the time for chocolate gift boxes. They fly off the shelves. If you don’t personally receive a box, you can bet your sweet bippy your a) sister who is a teacher, b) mum who is part of some sort of retirement club c) colleague will receive some and therefore you will be consuming the poor quality choccies for most of December.
There are chocolate gift boxes and then there are CHOCOLATE FUCKEN GIFT FUCKEN BOXES. You know what I mean? No, you don’t know what I mean. I don’t even know what I mean at this point, the smog has gotten to my brain and also I have mentally checked out of here for summer.
What I mean is, there are the boxes people buy you because they are obsessed with you and want to prove it and then there are the ones they found in The Reject Shop. Together, the P.TV team has come up with a definitive ranking of chocolate gift boxes, from the abysmal to the so-amazing-it’s-offensive.
9. BOG LEVEL: Celebrations
As my colleague Cam said, Celebrations are what you buy for someone when you don’t like them enough to bother with Favourites. While the plastic tub looks more luxe than Favourites, the choccies inside are far inferior. Except for dark horse Galaxy. Galaxy is the best fucking chocolate in the WORLD.
8. Favourites
There aren’t many differences between Celebrations and Favourites except, oh I don’t know, BLOODY EVERY SINGLE THING? Favourites have all the good choccies – Cherry Ripe, Crunchie, Caramello, Dream. It’s superior due to the contents.
7. Roses
There was some contentiousness around this mid-tier level of our list. I personally think Roses are more premium than Quality Street, but I was overruled by the majority and I conceded – although I have just bitched about it in the article, so did I really concede?
Anyway, Roses are… fine. They’re for buying your favourite teacher, not the one you fucking hate. For the good dog walker, not the one who always cancels on you.
6. Quality Street
As I said, I don’t understand how this made it to #6, but the reasoning my Editor Josie gave me was “it just looks more premium”, backed up by my colleague Louis who said “it’s about aesthetic”.
I’ll give them this – Quality Street DOES come in a plastic tub like Celebrations, but with far more variety and it’s more of those ~special~ chocolates you can only get in a chocolate gift box. Even though these special chocolates are usually 50 times shittier than the regular choccies, there’s something more valuable about the fact you can only get them in their $12.99 tub.
5. Raffaello
Just revolting – a cheap looking packet, a cheap looking ball covered in coconut so it looks like you found it languishing behind your grotty couch. Disgusting. But… made by Ferrero, which means it packs a more premium punch than the mass-market alternatives.
4. Whitman’s Sampler
Oh my GOD, you guys. If I could make this #1 and not risk alienating myself from my colleagues for being a controlling asshole, I would. My grandma had a box of these in her house at all times, truly there is no fancier box of choccies in my eyes.
The best? The little chocolate-covered almonds in a tiny cup. What is more dainty than that?
3. Ferrero Rocher
I mean, we all know a container of Ferreros means someone tried. Also, my colleague Lucinda is making me include this old, extremely luxurious ad.
2. Guylian
OOOOFT. When someone gives me Guylian, I know they are serious about their love for me. Something about the delicate shell moulds and swirled chocolate types does something to me. Fun fact – half the office said they find these disgusting, but still think they were the second-most premium. Go figure.
1. PEAK PREMIUM: Lindt
Any Lindt. The stupid tiny boxes, even. All Lindt is god tier. It’s not even great chocolate, in my opinion. It’s sort of waxy and overly milky, but it doesn’t matter. It has the haughty air of a private school mother, and for that reason alone it rules the chocolate gift box roost.
