The Bon Appétit YouTube channel is not just the best cooking show going around, it is the best reality TV show. Because of the Test Kitchen staff, I have held my breath watching a pastry chef temper chocolate. I know that allicin is like a two-part epoxy. I have devoted 20 minutes to a man cooking steak in a toaster – and I am a vegetarian. 

I am not alone. Millions now subscribe to Bon Appétit, literally and spiritually hungry for Test Kitchen goodness. 

So, to utterly disrespect the delicate blend of personalities assembled by the Test Kitchen, I got PEDESTRIAN.TV Melbourne Managing Editor Cam Tyeson to help me stitch together a sloppy and totally non-controversial ranking of our favourite BA chefs that 100% will not lead to us requiring a police escort out of the office.

Grub’s up, fuckos.

Dead Last – Adam Rapoport

Adam Rapoport is an agent of chaos who should not be allowed into the Test Kitchen under any circumstances. – DA

12 – Rick Martinez

One day – one of these long, lonely days – Rick Martinez will find a way to get Chris Morocco to use the non-Texmex pronunciation of “queso.” And lord, that will be a lovely, lovely day indeed. He’s only here due to a pure lack of screen time. – CT

11 – Amiel Stanek

I view Amiel Stanek in the same way that I view a non-Dr Oetker Ristoronte brand frozen pizza. He’s there when I need him. And I certainly don’t dislike it when he’s happening to me. But I can’t get past the awful chewing sounds made when he’s around. The Every Way To Cook An X is jarringly different to the way every other Bon Appétit video is put together in that it relies heavily on post-production, meaning Amiel spends endless hours making fake eating sounds into a mic. It’s all a bit too Babish for my taste. – CT

10 – Christina Chaey

I appreciate the earnestness of the Test Kitchen, which includes outright negativity. A direct quote from Christina Chaey, after discussing the impact of noodle-based curses: “Now that I’m an adult, I’ve realised we’re all going to die anyway.”

That is a sentiment I appreciate. More screen time for Christina, please. I would like more of her macabre observations in my cooking content, but until that point, I will make do with her providing moral support to the equally nihilistic Claire. – DA

9 – Brad Leone

Here’s a red hot take for you: Brad Leone kind of sucks? I understand the appeal of Brad. Truly, I do. He’s tall, he talks like you’re the only person in the world, and he’s got that charming metropolitan New Jersey sheen that makes you think he’s either setting a world record for flirting with you, or trying to coax you into signing over your Nan’s house to him. He’s Bon Appétit’s second-most popular personality overall for a very good reason. But I get the sense that if he and I ever went out drinking, we’d wind up punching on. – CT

8 – Gaby Melian

Give Gaby Melian more screen time, god damn! The Test Kitchen manager enchants the entire place even as she keeps it in working order. While Chris and his super-tasting might offer the most clinical notes to other chefs, Gaby’s input somehow feel the most present. Good value. – DA

7 – Priya Krishna

A relatively new addition to the Test Kitchen who managed to outshine Brad on It’s Alive, Priya Krishna just fucking sends it. There is no other chef on planet earth who would consent to her saag paneer video opening with the words “Oh shit, oh fuck!” as she accidentally shovels ghee up her nose. Low-key the loosest unit in the Test Kitchen. – DA

6 – Molly Baz

Molly Baz is the channel’s most curious cast member. That goes a long way. Would I have cared about pancake art if she hadn’t given it a crack on Molly Tries? Probably not, but it’s nice to immerse yourself in something new with someone seemingly incapable of cynicism. Thank you, Molly. – DA

5 – Andy Baraghani

Andy Baraghani is a Felix Unger absolutely begging – B E G G I N G – for an Oscar Madison. On the rare occasions he’s been given one in Brad Leone, it’s utter magic. Watching Andy’s panicked, sweaty brow mug to the camera as Brad garbage truck dumped turmeric into their Thanksgiving turkey seasoning is a thing of true beauty. A culinary free agent without a true BA niche right now. But when he finds it, it’ll whip ass. – CT

4 – Carla Lalli Music

Back-To-Back Chef is a screaming bloody delight, partly because Carla Lalli Music (side note: Best name in the BA Test Kitchen in a damned walk) is so good at calmly guiding her guests through the rather daunting task of cooking on the fly with verbal commands only, and partly because everyone that goes on the show is so gosh-darned happy to be there they’re blind to the occasions when Carla char-grill roasts them. Which is often. Because she’s a fucken secret savage. – CT

3 – Chris Morocco

Working theory: If the entire Bon Appétit staff abandoned the company and left Chris Morocco by himself in the Test Kitchen, the whole operation would carry on just fine. He exudes an air of extreme competence, is exceedingly kind, and exhibits startlingly good posture. Would likely be a CIA agent if he weren’t so obsessed with spoons. – DA

2 – Claire Saffitz

Claire Saffitz is inarguably Bon Appétit’s biggest star and for very good reason. The Gourmet Makes series sees her tackle the big questions, like “how do you recreate a Kit-Kat?” And just like a Kit-Kat, the fun is never in the eating, it’s in the snap, which usually occurs when our precious host battles an ancient dehydrator on day four of a two-day project. Claire Saffitz is often the last human voice I hear before falling asleep. Like a growing legion of TikTok teens, I too would die for Claire Saffitz. – DA

1 – Alex Delany

Every time Alex Delany appears on-screen is an absolute delight. Nobody on the Test Kitchen roster projects the same kind of innocent joy as this guy, who always seems happy just to be there. I want him to hold me like a tiny bird and tell me everything is going to be okay. – DA