Beer. A frothy. A cold can. A coupla tins. A schooner matata. In any language, it’s the good shit, baby. Who doesn’t love sucking the absolute dick off a beer.
Better still, who doesn’t love calling a beer by one of probably thousands of names that aren’t specifically “beer.”
I love a beer nickname. If it it’s a stupid pun or play on some famous person’s name, all the better.
So because “it’s Friday” I decided to sit down, crack one open, list as many beer nicknames as I can in the time it takes to drink said beer, and then rank said nicknames. Foolishly I didn’t think to put any of this on video, so you’re simply going to have to trust me.
The good news: In the time it took to drink the beer, I managed to come up with 39 nicknames for beers. Some old classics, some I think I may have coined on the spot. Some truly terrible, some absolute barnburners.
The bad news: It’s now just gone 2:30pm and I still have several hours of work left today, and I have just completely blasted my own face off necking a rather large beer in the middle of my work day.
In the interests of full disclosure, the beer in question was a Nomad Brewing Co Powder Day salted caramel double milk stout, which clocks in at a rather heaving 8% abv. It was literally the lightest beer I have in my fridge.
I consumed it whole in just on 18 minutes and 13 seconds. I am not un-drunk at my desk. Please don’t tell my bosses.
Also in the interests of full disclosure: I fully realise at some point this entire ranking is just me critiquing my own jokes. I’m fine with it. I’ve accepted it. I’ve moved on.
39) Paul Sudd
God I hate this one. Awful pun. Just lazy more than anything.
38) David Hasselfroth
I can’t tell you why I do not like “Hasselfroth” as a word. I think it’s just that it’s clunky to say out loud. Get rid of it.
37) Can Heche
Great actor. Bad pun.
36) Maggie Beer
I mean, this is just her name, isn’t it? It’s not a pun or a play on words or anything. It’s her name. It’s what her name is.
35) Garry Gary Beers
This is also literally his name, though in this case he gets the nod over Maggie purely because the animal spells “Gary” two ways. What kind of absolute madman spells Garry two ways? Garry Gary Beers does.
Take me out back and shoot me for this one, honestly.
33) Frank Lloyd Pint
Where my architecture crew at? Hell yeah, more like the BREWTALIST movement, am I right?
32) Dustin Frothman
There are two “Hoffman” puns on this list. This is the lesser of the two.
31) Mark Brewciutto
This one goes out to those who fondly remember the 1997/98 Adelaide Crows, or for those who watch Fox Footy today and remain baffled as to how an active club administrator can be allowed to hold a media job where he openly speculates on the trade movements of rival teams.
30) Slabsolutely Fabulous
29) Tin Time with Tool “The Tin Man” Taylor
I’m aware that, on a fundamental level, this isn’t that good of a joke. But it’s one I’m proud of. And that’s enough for me.
28) Fizzy Gillespie
This only becomes relevant when RSLs are allowed to reopen and the Old Boys of Australia can once again order a pony of shandy, as is their hard-earned right.
27) Brew Jackman
You know, he plays one of the XXXX-Men.
26) Jennifer Caniston
If this were a wine puns list I’d be including her good friend, Matt Le Sav Blanc.
25) Steve Brewscemi
Star of such films as The Big Brewbowski and Can Air.
24) Phillip Seymour Frothman
See? This one’s the better of the two. Not even close, really.
23) Robert Downey Schooner
A coupla them at the bar and a six-pack of Iron Cans on the way out. Great Saturday arvo.
22) David Lee Froth
He sings for Can Halen. They have that smash hit song Pot for Teacher.
21) Mrs. Stoutfire
It IS good stout weather.
20) Tin Cahill
It’s always Tinny Time somewhere in the world.
19) Caniel Radcliffe
Star of the smash hit Harry Porter film series, which featured such titles as The Philosopher’s Stein, The Chamber of Beer Nuts, and The Half-Drunk Prince.
18) Reese Witherschoon
Legally Pure Blonde. Is that anything? Is there something in that?
17) David Bettercan
World renowned Late Show host, beloved for his regular Top Tin list.
16) Can Aykroyd
If the beers aren’t here, and it don’t look good… who ya gonna call? Can Aykroyd.
15) Michael Brewblé
For when Mum surprises you with a case of Premos because it’s Christmas Day and the family’s all there.
14) Macaulay Coldcan
The perfect pun for whenever you feel like getting Lost in Brew York.
13) Dolly Carton
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene…. I’m begging of you, please don’t take my can.
12) Tinny Weasley
Married to Harry Porter. You know it makes sense.
11) Slabodan Milošević
The only pun on this list that’s been charged with war crimes (that I know of).
10) Caniel Day-Brewis
Revered character actor and star of My Left Foot, which incidentally is what I’d give for the fucking pub to be open right now.
9) Jean-Claude Can Damme
An absolute classic and for a good reason (the reason being he’d put his foot through your kidneys if he found out you spoke ill of it).
You know, the popular Swedish pop group responsible for such hits as The Winner Takes It Ale, Take Some Cans For Me, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Can After Midnight), and Knowing Me, Knowing Brew.
7) Oprah Tinfrey
You get a beer! You get a beer! Everybody gets a beeeeeerrrrrr!!!!!!!
6) Schooi Schooi Moimoi
If you’re not getting around this one, then what’s the Parramatta with you?
5) Denzel Frothington
Picturing a version of American Gangster where he swans about shouting “MY CAN” over and over again. Very different movie to the one we have now, you’d have to say.
4) Danny Bevvito
For those tinnies that are a little bit shorter and stouter than your usual tinnie.
3) Joel Keggerton
I am outrageously chuffed on this one. I love it a lot. It deserves to be in everyone’s regular rotation. I will back it until the day I die. As God Almighty as my witness, this will be a thing.
2) Tin Diesel
Love to chuck one more on the end of XXX and go for a little Tokyo Sip. Always best to live your life a quarter jug at a time.
1) Froth Whitlam
WELL MAY WE SAY “GOD SERVE THE QUEEN,” BECAUSE NO CUNT WILL SERVE THE GOVERNOR-GENERAL.Image: Getty Images / Mark Evans