As a veteran of many visits to Sydney I can say with absolute confidence that Oxford St institution Mr Crackles is the literal only good thing about the Bad City™.
All other aspects of Sydney are universally overthought and confusing; narrow single-lane suburban streets that are somehow also major arterial roads; an unyielding horniness for waterways that has necessitated the construction of a simply criminal amount of bridges; a standardised beer glass size one fluid ounce smaller than the clearly superior 16oz American pint for reasons which baffle me on a minute-to-minute basis; the godforsaken Sydney Swans.
By every measure, a garbage city for sadists whose list of joys in life is limited to boat shoes, sweating, and the giddy, kinky thrill of handing exorbitant amounts of rent to landlords in exchange for housing that falls far short of the international standard of “shithole.”
But Mr Crackles… Mr Crackles is the truth.
A shining oasis, deep in the lock out zone, beaming its glorious fluorescent lights out deep into the night, greeting all weary travellers who come across it with a smile, a nod, and the promise of a fucking BANG UP pork sandwich.
Long has Mr Crackles reigned in Sydney as the king of late night food, and soon it will stake its claim in Melbourne; announcing an intent to conquer one of the most food-heavy cities on the planet, and practically erasing what little reason there was to travel to Sydney in the process.
We knew a while back that Mr Crackles had every intention of heading to the Victorian capital soon, but beyond that one lone piece of information we knew very little.
Where would they settle? When would they finally arrive? At what point and in what location could Melburnians find their crispy, crackling salvation at 3 in the morning; slobbering all over a sticky BBQ pork roll as the booze-floating eyes rolled in the back of their head?
Folks, we have the answers.
Intrepid tram riders of the 96 or 86 trams might have spotted it already, but Mr Crackles himself – the patriarch of the Crackles family – has confirmed it for us exclusively today.
The pork lords will be setting up shop at 164 Bourke Street, right near the corner of Russell St, in what’s fast becoming the CBD’s new heart of late night tucker; conveniently right around the corner from live music mecca 170 Russell and a trove of popular inner-city drinkeries.
Mr Crackles’ Melbourne team assures us that their build in the location is well underway, with a view to fling the doors open within 2 to 3 weeks’ time.
Until then, put a pin in your GPS, dear Melbourne friends. The Great Porkening is finally upon us.