After my article where I trialled all of my favourite foods from the school canteen, but as an adult, I had a lot of friends write to me to tell me the way I eat meat pies is fundamentally fucked up.

To recap, I eat my meat pie like so: take the lid off. Pour an exorbitant amount of tommy sauso into the meat. Eat the lid with a bit of tommy sauso on it solo, then eat the meat using a spoon. When I finish the meat, fold the empty shell and eat that separate too.

meat pies
this is the wrong way

Because I’d just been ridiculed for how I eat my Mamee Noodles, I was a bit triggered and immediately polled the office to determine if I was weird, or if, in fact, it was the children who were wrong.

Turns out I’m not even that unhinged – most of the office eat meat pies like a demonic monster from hell. Don’t believe me? Read on.

1. Ripping It Apart

“I smother it in sauce and then tear chunks out with my fingers like a gremlin,” – Tegan

What on earth? Firstly who uses fingers to eat their pie, unless it’s simply to hold it gently in a sweet embrace? I don’t ever want to see this in real life, Tegan. I’m banning meat pies from the office.

2. No Sauce

“No strange way of eating, but no sauce.” – Eamon

Uhhhhh I’m gonna tell you right now that in and of itself is the strangest way of eating a meat pie, bud.

3. Upside Down

“Turn the pie upside down so the lid acts as a pseudo-reinforced plate. Pop a dollop of sauce on top (bottom, technically) and scarf it down while it’s still hot enough to burn the skin off your palate.” – Steph

What the fucking shit is this? It’s ridiculous is what it is, behave yourself.

4. Using The Lid Like A Spoon

I take the lid off and eat bits of the lid with the filling then eat the rest. – Roonie

Fun fact: Roonie shamed her mate in her email for eating their pie down to the shell, then eating that with sauce. But thinks her method of ripping bits of the lid off like spoons is totally fine.

5. Involving Cheese

When I was a kid I used to take the lid off, put a slice of cheese in, lid back on, and microwave it to melt the cheese. – Courtney

EXCUSE THE FUCK ME???

6. Stages

If I am at home/in an environment where I can do it, I take the lid off, add sauce to the lid and meat, eat the lid alone, eat the meat alone, then add sauce to the pastry shell and eat that. – Elise

I mean, this is basically how I do it so I feel like I can’t roast her.

7. Knife and Fork

I eat it with a knife and fork if I can. i put sauce on the top and just go to town. When I was younger, though, I was a real fucking weirdo. I used to turn it upside down and cut the bottom off. – Matt

Hmmmm yes but eating one with a knife and fork is, to me, also real fucking weird.

8. Chaotic Energy Free-Balling

I pride myself in being able to eat meat pies at the footy the “normal way” (ie. covered in sauce, biting from the side) without spilling ANY of it. There’s serious skill involved in this, especially because at the footy the don’t have the luxury of a plate. It’s a sudden death exercise, I like to think I am theFree Solo of pie-eating. – Josie

I have to say, I’m impressed. And not just because she’s my direct boss, although that is definitely part of it.

9. Even More Chaotic Energy

I eat meat pies with no sauce while burning my mouth off in the process, because the sooner I have no working nerves, the quicker I can eat the second one. – Adrian

I actually think I might work with serial killers.

meat pies

10. Okay, I’m Calling The Cops

I chop up the meat pie in a bowl so it’s in tiny squares, mix it with the sauce and then sit there with a fork and eat the pie square by tiny square. – Louie

Nope, I’m arresting this guy.