The Magnum Ego Is A Cruel Mistress Who Treats Me Bad & Yet I Keep Returning

When it comes to rankings of innocent ice-creams through to creations from Satan himself, you have the Paddle Pop… and on the other end of the spectrum, the Magnum Ego.

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I’m not saying the Magnum Ego is a product of hell in that it’s a piece of shit. No!!!! Blasphemy!!! (Also I realise I’m confusing all my religious terminology here).

I’m saying it is so intense, so ridiculously OVERDONE, it can only be made by someone who wants to tempt us into a world of evil by way of mass sugar and gluttony.

I remember my first Magnum Ego. I was 15, which I think is the only time you should venture into Ego territory because this ice-cream is MA 15+, absolutely. I bit into it and all I got was chocolate and frozen caramel sauce. NO ICE-CREAM. That is how overblown this product is, there is so much going on you can’t even get to the ice-cream in the first bite.

After that decadent treat, I was ruined. My palate? Only made for Egos. Gone were the childish Paddle Pops of my youth, I’d matured – I craved the adult snack, not stupid baby ice-creams.

I got into a habit of eating a Magnum Ego every day – I shit you not, EVERY DAY after school – I would steal $2 coins around the house, which was absolutely the influence of the Magnum Ego spirit in me. Naturally I packed on the pounds and broke out in pimples, because no one on this planet was meant to eat a Magnum Ego every day. I’m fairly sure Mr. Magnum would be revolted at the concept.

Every time I eat a Magnum Ego I feel immediately unwell afterwards. I think you need a constitution on a higher plane to stomach one without feeling like you just injected 40 pounds of liquid sugar into your veins. BUT I ALWAYS GO BACK, because as cruel a mistress as the Ego is, it’s also the most delicious, hits-the-spot ice-cream in the entire corner shop. If you NEED chocolate like you need air, you get a Magnum Ego.

Anyway the daily Ego intake waned when my parents realised I was buying up big at the convenience store, and as I grew older I realised you simply can’t eat that many Egos in your lifetime and not develop diabetes. So now a Magnum Ego is a rare treat, but my god what a treat it is.

I will end this useless ode to the Ego with this – my Editor Josie told me she sits hers out for a bit to let the caramel soften, and I think that is rude. You should take the Ego however it comes to you – frozen caramel or not. Appreciate the gift or don’t even enter the ring.

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