As the dust begins to settle on the chaos under the cloche of the Masterchef table, a hole has been left by the exiting judges Matt Preston, Gary Mehigan, and George Calombaris. It’s a void the size of Matt’s mouth when he’s deeply shooketh by the mouthfeel of a good soufflé, and we demand it be filled poste haste.
But who has the authority, the candour, the expertise to taste the food of the people and give a good, honest rating out of ten to the hopeful chefs? It’s absolutely Kate McCartney and Kate McLennan from The Katering Show and Get Krack!n.
I mean, they’ve officially wrapped Get Krack!n, so what the fuck else are they even doing?
Sure, they might make the Masterchef pressure test a little more stressful as the shit somehow ceremoniously hits the fan as soon as they step near any kind of kitchen set up, but it’s the kind of chaos that we both need and deserve.
They engage with their fans, and they’re not afraid of being down with the freshest kitchen-y tech. They’re across the latest food trends and fads. They simply know their shit, so it’s a perfect fit for them to take the reins at Masterchef.
They’re not shy to try anything that gets plated up to them, either. Remember that episode in the final Get Krack!n series where they were on a paddle steamer on the mighty Murray River and tasted the local seafood and soft cheese in the sweltering heat? The Kates are known to both put their mouths on the line in the name of kontent. Sheer fearlessness.
The Kates are well-connected, too. There are endless opportunities for special judges like Helen Bidou or…Helen Bidou. Anyway just get Helen Bidou on board. Maybe the O’Dough’s Dough Bros, for a special Beat The Chef episode or whatever.
If you simply cannot fulfill my wishes, Channel 10, then here are some other totally-qualified suggestions for you to ponder.
This is a no-brainer. Maggie is the nation’s beloved mum who absolutely works hidden veggies into your spag bol, but will also sneak you chocolate when nobody’s looking. She’s warm and beautiful and is definitely the type to give contestants constructive feedback so they can be the best version of themselves in life and also cooking.
Con The Fruiterer
Tell me that you wouldn’t tune in every night to hear Con the Fruiterer absolutely gush over any scrap of fruit plated up, fawning over how “beow-de-full” a carelessly chopped-up rockmelon is. You’d win with an out-of-season fruit salad.
At least we know everyone would be paid a fair and honest wage if the national head of the Trades Union was at the helm of the bloody show.
The man, the myth, the spicy legend. Expect your ratings to go through the roof with this level of horny chat.
The man knows his way around a good sausage. You simply cannot deny it.
I mean he’s hosted just about every other food-related reality show, and I yearn to hear his slick French accent more so why the hell not have him on Masterchef too?
The Guy Who Hosted Iron Chef
I have never seen someone get so amped up over food. Put a single capsicum in front of Takeshi Kaga and you’ve got enough B-roll to last years.
A Literal Iron Chef, A Robot Chef Man
I mean, you’d get a compter-generated, entirely unbiased, non-emotional, programmed response every time. It’s TV magic, people.
The Swedish Chef
You might not ever understand what he’s saying, but at least he does it all with enthusiasm. Also, everyone who plates up a big bowl of sentient spaghetti will win every time, hands down.
The Rat From Ratatouille
Let the rat into the kitchen. It must be done.
The One Cravat Left Behind In Matt Preston’s Dressing Room
Surely he’s left one of them at Masterchef HQ. Has anyone checked behind the couch?
Image: YouTube / The Katering Show