I would just like to preface what I’m about to show you with the words: I live in Melbourne. Therefore, I am free of judgement from a) ordering UberEats more than twice (thrice) a week and b) becoming mildly obsessed with Macca’s Monopoly. Such is life.

I would also like to underline / highlight / bold that I live with my family, so this pile I’m about to show you is a group effort.

Here it is.

Macca's Monopoly

Shoutout to the best UberEats driver ever, Hossein, see you on Saturday!

I don’t know the exact number of tickets in that pile, but I believe it’s in the high 60s. Is that a lot? I don’t know, I feel like it is? Last year, I only collected three tickets. I also threw them out immediately, because I simply did not care. Now look at me.

Macca’s Monopoly, for those unfamiliar, kicked off earlier this month. You order a ticketed item, you peel off the ticket, you download the app, you scan the ticket, and then maybe you win something, maybe you don’t.

There are $532 million dollars worth of prizes up for grabs, ranging from a frozen coke to a goddamn car.

Some bloke at my brother’s work is one ticket away from winning the aforementioned car, which I flat out refuse to believe because it hasn’t happened to me. But, yes, one of the prizes – if you should be so lucky – is a literal Volkswagen T-Cross.

Having exhausted everything else in lockdown – I started dreaming about puzzles after ordering my fifth one – Macca’s Monopoly has now consumed my life.

I only ever get excited now by either looking at Melbourne’s continual 14-day daily case average rate fall, or when I score an Instant Win ticket. It is literally an instant win.

So just for fun, let’s go through a couple of the Instant Wins I’ve gotten, hey? These are in no particular order – that’s a lie, I put Audible first because I’ve been meaning to get a subscription since the start of lockdown.

Two Month Audible Subscription

YES.

Three Month Movie Streaming

Possibly one of the best things to score in isolation since I’ve pretty much stapled myself to the couch.

It’s a Garage subscription, by the way, which is where you go when you’re craving some really cool adventure shit.

45 Day Animelab Subscription

Again, not mad about this. Love me some anime.

Side note: a new original anime just hit Netflix last week called Dragon’s Dogma. If you liked Castlevania, you’ll like this. It’s not as good though.

McChicken or Quarter Pounder

FREE BURGER, that is all.

Small Sundae or Apple Pie

Hello, yes, I am very happy with my free small caramel sundae.

Small Soft Drink or Frozen Drink

It’s simply not Macca’s Monopoly without a free frozen Coke.

I bloody love a frozen Coke on a hot summer’s day, can’t go wrong with it.

Small Fries or Fruit Bag

For when you feel like a snacky-snack.

Small McCafe Coffee / Tea or Soft Drink

I have only ever gotten a Macca’s tea at the airport while waiting for a red-eye Jetstar flight (ah, memories). And for that reason, the Macca’s tea is good and kind.

Free Hobby Session

I don’t know what this means.

Update: it’s like a bowling session, or an hour at an arcade – along those lines. This would be fan-bloody-tastic if I could do either of these things right now. Hahahaha.

$10 RedBalloon Gift Code

If only, y’know?

Free Day Out

HahahahAHAHAHhaha.

No, but this is lovely. It’s free admission to a day of paintball or frolicking with the animals at the zoo.

Technically, every day in Melbourne right now is a “free day out” since almost everything is still closed. Gotta look at that silver lining, folks.

Macca’s Monopoly 2020 comes to an end October 25, and I intend to play until the very end.

Although, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of TikTok’s CEO of No Fizzy Drinks, Rohit Roygre, and abstain from the devil’s nectar for 100 (10) days. Why? Because I literally gave myself heartburn from drinking too much fizzy stuff.

Pray for me.