Broccoli is by far one of the most unfairly hated vegetables. Sure – there are people who swear by it, but for many people it sits along Brussels sprouts as the symbol of childhood culinary deprivation. It’s like a forbidden talisman representing all the Macca’s you could have been eating while your mum was force-feeding you leafy broc. Sad!
But what if I told you that even if you’re not a broccoli fan, you can make the much-maligned veg into something far, far tastier than the culinary equivalent of an hour in church. Yes! It’s true, and possible, and real! I won’t sit here and proselytise to you about the health benefits of a fistful of broccoli – though it is high in fibre and vitamin C and those fancy things you see in ads all the time called antioxidants. Just saying. I’m not your mum, but I’m just saying.
I’m gonna give you a real simple recipe that makes broccoli absolutely kick ass. It’ll make your shithead housemates say things like “Dude! When are you cooking broccoli again?” and “Broc me up, my good bitch!”
WHAT YOU’LL NEED
- A stack of broccoli. It’s a cheap veg, so this won’t break the bank. Like 800 grams to two kilos of the good green stuff, or just grab a few bunches. Nobody’s counting, guys.
- Olive oil, just like’a mamma used to buy from Coles.
- Salt and pepper
- 4 garlic cloves, peeled and sliced
- A juicy lemon
- 1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese. Either buy it in a packet from the supermarket or freshly grate it yourself, you lazy prick. Chuck on a Netflix show and do it yourself – I promise it doesn’t take that long.
WHAT YOU GOTTA DO
This is easy as it gets, team.
The key to this particular broccoli recipe is that you’re basically going to nuke those motherfuckers until they caramelise. The classic sharehouse means of cooking broccoli – chucking it in a bowl with a half-inch of tepid tap water, whacking a plate over the stop and steaming it in the microwave – tends to make broccoli into a nutritionally-drained, quasi-mushy lump. Not today. We’re giving broccoli a crust.
First, preheat your oven to a positively apocalyptic 220º. If you need to call your building’s fire warden to warn them about the dangerous fire magic you’re playing with, feel free to do so. I have no idea what the terms of your lease are.
Now, cut the broc into florets after hacking off the thick, woody base of the veg like some kind of axe murderer. Make your florets fairly big though – not like the micro cuts of broccoli you sometimes get in your Thai takeaway. Not massive, but big enough. Now, make sure the broccoli is dry. This contravenes everything your parents told you about washing veg thoroughly, but remember: we’re about to subject these poor broc to fiery hell.
So let ’em dry out. Toss them on a tray with a sheet of al-foil, adding olive oil, salt and pepper. As before – I could give you quantities, or you could just eyeball it. Unless you’re a complete psychopath, it’s hard to go too hogwild with salt and pepper. About five tablespoons of olive oil should do it, really.
Now: roast ’em in your lovely preheated oven for about 20-25 minutes. You should know that they’re looking A-OK when you see a bit of brownness emerging on some of the florets.
Take them out of the oven and – here’s where the magic happens, folks – zest a lemon over the broccoli and liberally squeeze that sweet lemon ambrosia all over your broccoli. Add about a tablespoon-and-a-half more olive oil. Then, make it rain parmesan cheese over the top of your poor roasted green veg friends.
Voila! That’s it! If you’re a real schmick chef type you can add roasted pine nuts, or some other accompaniment, but don’t come crying to me when your friends call you a “fancy little bitch” and dack you in the kitchen. Because they will.
Seriously, get it up ya. You are going to cook this a lot, I guarantee you.
Photo: Daddy Day Care.
