Consider your life. What’s missing? Steady employment? The future possibility of home ownership? Romance? Spiritual fulfilment? A world that isn’t catastrophically heating thanks to human greed and inaction?
Whatever you answered, WRONG. You fools! The real things you’ve been lacking in your life are these GIGANTIC FUCKING AVOCADOS.
Holy guacamole!
These monster avocados are going for $23 each at the Adelaide Central Market.
Named “Avozilla”, they weigh around 1.4kg and supposedly taste just as good as their smaller counterparts.
They’re only expected to be on Aussie shelves for the next couple of weeks. pic.twitter.com/eIkTKjBuh7
— Maddie Dunne (@MadeleineDunne) May 31, 2019
LOOK AT THOSE MONSTERS. WHAT THE HELL.
The 1kg+ green-skinned chonkyboys, officially called “avozillas”, are not the product of genetic engineering or exposure to transformative doses of gamma radiation. Instead, they’re simply grown on a farm in central Queensland, which I assume just happens to be positioned over a fissure that leads to the centre of the earth, a la Journey to the Centre of the Earth, where these monstrous fruits surely hail from.
(Actually they’re from a freak, but natural, occurrence – a seedling found in the yard of a post office in South Africa several years back; Groves is the first place to commercially produce them in Australia, and first put them out to market just last year.)
The rugby-ball size avos are reportedly equivalent to five regular-sized avocados, and are supposed to taste just as good – plus you can get a dozen or so slices of toast out of ’em.
Does that justify the $23 price tag (which is what they’re going for in Adelaide Central Market)? Look, probably not – but consider the novelty value! Buckets of guac! Piles of smashed avo on sourdough! Just holding it in your hands and pretending you’re a tiny traveller from another dimension, marvelling at this gigantic and wondrous fruit!
Well worth completely depleting your house deposit fund, wouldn’t you agree?
The limited-edition avos (they have a short season) have been shipped off to Western Australia, South Australia, New South Wales and Victoria, and once they’re gone, that’ll be it until next year – so if you fancy a bite of the truly outrageous, you better be quick.
