Why The Fuck Won’t This $0.75 Ice Cream Sanga From Coles Bloody Well Melt?

Ladies and gentlemen, these are the Coles brand Ice Cream Sandwiches.

They come in boxes of 4, retailing for $3 per box. Each sandwich features a slab of “vanilla flavoured ice cream” that rests betwixt “two choc biscuits.”

The ice cream sandwiches do not melt.

Not on the bench.

Not out of the freezer.

Not even in the direct sunlight.

The ice cream does not melt at all.

A Facebook post made by one Mary Salter this past weekend alerted the supermarket giant to the fact that, despite leaving half a sandwich resting outside in the grass for four days under consistent 26-degree heat, the sandwich remained unmelted and largely intact.

Worse still, the local critters wouldn’t go near it. Not even ANTS.

Hey Coles – can you PLEASE tell me just what is in your Coles Icecream Sandwiches I am intrigued as on Friday at about 5pm my grandson threw a skitz when the one he opened broke in two so he threw it out. One half landed on (the) back cement, the other half onto the lawn. I thought I would leave the pieces for the cats/birds/dog even – ants maybe?

I have watched with interest that none of the above would go near it (not even the ants) the ice cream has not melted and there the two pieces sit. Now I am a little concerned, just WHAT is in this ‘treat’? Can you please explain why after 4 days in 26 degree heat on cement it has not melted or nothing has volunteered to eat it?

Philosophical questions about placing expectations on animals “volunteering” to eat something, and astonishingly great usage of the word “skitz” aside, that this omnipotent sanga defies all anecdotal wisdom in regards to frozen treats for the low-low price of $3 per box is troubling.

Why will it not melt? Has ice cream evolved to conquer its one and only mortal enemy? Is a whole different kind of Ice Age – one we never could have anticipated – upon us? Will we all soon bow to the glorious new confectionary regime?

The truth, as it turns out, is a little more scientific. While the amount of fat and cream in ice creams generally affects its rate of melting – more cream in a richer ice creams means less water which therefore means the rate of melting is much slower – in cheaper products like this ice cream sandwich, other methods of halting the melting process are used.

In some instances, perfectly edible substances like calcium sulfate or guar gum are used to stall the melting process. American giant Wal-Mart used exactly that in similar ice cream bars which have been splashed all over the internet when similar controversies arose.

But Coles, for their part, insists that their particular ice cream bar’s longevity is a result of cream thickeners being added to the recipe, as a spokesperson for the company explains thusly:

Our ice cream sandwiches make use of very simple, commonly-used food techniques that help slow the melting process, and allows you to consume it without it falling apart in your hands.

This technique includes adding thickener to the cream, creating a honeycomb-like structure which helps to slow the melting process. When the product starts to melt and liquid evaporates, you are left with what appears as foam.

So there you have it. It’s an unyielding ice cream bar mildly-resistant to heat due to a little production trickery.

It’s perfectly safe to eat, even if it is a little heebie jeebie-inducing. But at $0.75 a pop, you’re only ever gonna get what you pay for.