Chips, crisps, potato boys, thins — no matter what you call them, they’re the best fkn snack on the planet. They’re hassle-free, easy to quickly access and make a sexy crunch sound when you bite into them. However, which flavour of chip reigns supreme? We must discuss this urgently.
When it comes to chip flavours, there are many. If it comes to mind, it’s probably been turned into a flavour. Caesar salad? Been there, done that. Cappuccino? Not as nasty as you’d think. Lobster roll? But of course.
If one is to set off on ambitiously ranking these sumptuous flavours, one first needs to do some culling. Thus, you won’t see Vegemite & Sauerkraut appearing on this list. Hell, Sour Cream & Onion barely scraped in.
So without further ado, here is our unofficial official ranking of the best chip flavours out there from worst to best. Why? Why the fk not.
1. Cheese and Onion
Gross, disgusting, ungodly flavour. If Satan was to shave his armpits over a packet of potato crisps it would probably taste better than this.
Folks who consume this on the regular have the worst smelling breath. Not an assumption, just a fact. Nothing can go right when you mix the tastes of artificial cheese and faux onion. Blasphemous.
2. Chicken
If I went to Woolies, grabbed a roast chicken and put pieces of it over a salted chip, I’d be in heaven (probably). I have no idea what the potato chip overlords sprinkle on chicken chips but it really doesn’t taste like chicken. It doesn’t even taste like chicken salt.
Chicken flavoured chips have their own flavour profile and it’s fkn nasty. Chicken apologists be damned.
3. BBQ
Every brand of BBQ chip tastes different, so it’s hard to be a fair judge, but I’d say there are more bad BBQ flavours out there than good.
In many ways, BBQ flavours are a lot like Sydneysiders. Many of them are awful and rotted on the inside, but a few of them are glorious.
Thus, BBQ gets plonked near the bottom of our list. But hey, we live in a world where bottoms have a voice now, so not everything is all bad.
4. Sour Cream & Onion
Again, I think we need to stop putting onion in chip flavours because it just doesn’t work.
Thankfully, in this case, the sour cream does some heavy fkn lifting.
I don’t have too much to say for this flavour, but it’s not entirely bad. It just doesn’t rock my socks off, y’know?
5. Sour Cream & Chives / Light & Tangy
Ahhh, the mysterious Sour Cream & Chives. It kinda tastes sour, kinda tastes sweet, kinda hurts your mouth a little bit.
You wouldn’t go pulling these babies out at a party, but you’d definitely grab a few for yourself when you’re feeling glum. Something about this flavour sparks a light inside of you.
It isn’t a very bright light, but it’s still something.
6. Tomato
I tossed and turned over the inclusion of tomato. Some would argue that it isn’t a “common” flavour, and deserves to be on the excluded list with flavours like Calabrian Pork Rinds and Volcanic Sulfur.
However, Tomato sparks something within me. It’s fun, it’s freaky, it’s gay. You’d see tomato at Sydney’s Imperial Hotel dancing on the bar even though you’re definitely not allowed to. She’s a wild girl. She’s freaky. She does whatever the fuck she wants.
If she wants to be middle of the list, let her be. She’s been top of the list all her god damn life. Even bad bitches need a break sometimes.
7. Honey Soy Chicken
This flavour gets brought out at every gathering, it’s insane.
Honey Soy Chicken is a flavour that began as something wild and freaky but worked its way into our hearts with its delectable taste. Now it’s a commonplace chip flavour. A staple, if you will.
You really can’t go wrong with this flavour. It’s a people pleaser. It won’t start a discussion or debate over what flavour is better (looking at you, BBQ).
Truly HSC (shudders) is the Switzerland of chips. The true peacemaker amongst us.
8. Cheese
Be silent and think about this for a second. Cheezels. Doritos. That kind of cheese.
It’s immaculate. It’s finger-licking [redacted]. It’s so moreish that I refuse to buy anything with this flavour.
Maybe it’s just the Italian in me (I’ve been trying to get him out for weeks) but I love every chip flavour covered in just cheese. No onions needed, thanks, we’re good!
9. Sweet Chili
At the end of your tumultuous trials and testings, you will look back upon the sand and only see one set of footprints. “Sweet Chili!” you will cry, “why when I needed you most did you leave me?”
“My precious child,” Sweet Chili will say.
“When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
10. Original / Salt
What a chip. Carved in the image of a deity. A champion of chips. A god.
You cannot go wrong with just plain Salt. Ever. It’s ubiquitous. Everlasting. Omnipotent.
Only one can sit on the throne of the best chip in existence, however, and it is not salt. It could never be Salt, as long as its one true competitor lives and breathes.
11. Salt & Vinegar
If this flavour was in Narnia it would be Aslan. If it was in Harry Potter it would be Dumbledore. Lord of the Rings? It would be Galadriel. Winnie the Pooh? Owl or some shit.
What I’m trying to say is, Salt & Vinegar is the old master wise beyond its years. The Master Oogway of chips. A legend of its time.
In the world of the Salt & Vinegar chip, I Am Number Four wasn’t cancelled after one movie. Neither was Eragon. Its power is just so great.
Sure it stings a little when you eat too many, but doesn’t all power come with consequences? For one to even be able to consume such a thing is a blessing beyond words.
May Salt & Vinegar live a blessed life. Though we are but wanderers in its shadow, we are gifted by its presence.
