Just Gonna Say It: Espresso Martinis Are An Unholy Mix Of 2 Drinks That Don’t Belong Together

Anyone who knows me knows I love a cocktail. Love ’em. Live off ’em. Suck ’em down like Coca-Cola (in a safe manner, I promise).

But whenever I rock up to after work drinks or Sunday brunch and a mate suggests we all grab a round of espresso martinis, I’m tempted to order one just to dramatically spit it across the table, like so:

Gimme a margarita any day, or an Aperol spritz, or even a mojito. But coffee mixed with vodka? Helllll no.

Which madman thought it would be a good idea to mix hard Russian liquor with coffee – the drink reserved for powering on our brains in the morning when we start work? Probably the same bloke who was first to tug on a cow’s udder and ultimately discovered milk.

It’s insanity, that’s what it is.

So where the fuck did this monstrosity come from? Well, according to Garden Baristo, the most common origin story of the espresso martini is that a British supermodel waltzed into Brasserie Soho in the last 1980s and asked for a drink that would “wake her up.”

The barkeep, who was reportedly standing next to the coffee machine at the time, combined covfefe with the most popular spirit of the time, vodka, and there it was, this unholy alliance began.

Coffee belongs in my morning mug and vodka belongs in my shot glass after a hard slog in the office, but espresso martinis? That belongs in the toot and nowhere else.

But hey, that’s just one man’s opinion.