I’m just gonna come right out and say it: mayonnaise looks like cum. It just does. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

But if that mayo on your sandwich didn’t already remind you of far saltier substances, you’re in luck because it appears Mitre 10 is stocking eggplant-shaped sauce bottles for all of your mayo cum needs.

Mitre 10 is really out here in 2020 with eggplant-shaped sauce bottles out the bloody wazoo, and do you know what? I’m here for it.

If eggplant-shaped mayo bottles weren’t already dangerously horny enough,  they also instruct you to “shake n’ squirt”, which is… something.

As you’d expect, they’re a hot commodity on account of the fact that we’re all a bunch of 14-year-old boys who love anything that loosely resembles a penis.

But according to my research, they’ll set you back $20 at selected stores, if you can manage to get your hands on this glorious phallic-shaped object.

You simply cannot make this up.

Right now, they only seem to be available at Mitre 10 stores in Auckland, but it looks like various online retailers like thisiswhyimbroke.com and Amazon also stock the emoji-shaped bottle.

Go on, treat yourself. Buy one for yourself, for your mum, or for your boss’ secret Santa present*. I assure you, you won’t regret it.

*this might land you in a ~weird~ HR meeting, so don’t blame me.

Image: Facebook / Mitre 10 MEGA Westgate