Eating Milo straight out of the tin is chaotic evil. In this essay, I… will basically just rant about how disgusting this habit is, to be honest.

Now, do not get me wrong. Milo is a god-tier treat. There is nothing – NOTHING – more indulgent than a good bowl of Blue Ribbon basic bitch ice-cream absolutely covered in scoop after scoop of Milo. The best beverage in existence is a hot cuppa of the stuff. Some cold milk topped off with about six spoonfuls of Milo? TALK DIRTY TO ME.

This isn’t about Milo hate. If you’re a Milo hater, get outta here. This is about best practise.

See, what I cannot accept is Milo on its own. It’s not for solo consumption. It’s designed to be mixed with other stuff. It is too hardcore to be eaten out of the tin, and every time I’ve given it a good crack, I end up burning the roof of my mouth.

my angel and my devil

My sister is a die-hard fan of Milo outta the tin. Loves the stuff. This is borked in the head behaviour. It’s like going back to a toxic relationship thinking you can make it better the next time around. YOU CAN’T. STOP TRYING.

But because I’m a sheep, I’ve tried multiple times to see what she sees in spoonfuls of straight Milo. Every time, my senses are overwhelmed and a part of my soul dies. It is simply TOO much. Too much malt taste. Too much powdery tongue-coating. Too much CHOCOLATE. Too much everything.

Only the gods can partake in spoonfuls of Milo and enjoy it. It’s so god-tier, it needs an accompaniment for us mere mortals. You can’t just CONSUME those 12 essential vitamins and minerals without a mixer! It’s like doing shots of vodka at 9am! Chaos!

Just to emphasise my point here, let’s look at Milo ingredients. 38% of the stuff is made of malt barley. What is that? I don’t know but it only tastes good with milk products. Then we’ve got Milk Solids, Sugar, Cocoa, Minerals (Calcium, Iron), Maltodextrin (Corn), Vitamins (C, B3, B6, B2, D, B12), Emulsifier ( Soy Lecithin) – yes I just copy/pasted that from the Woolies website, no I won’t apologise.

Look at all those VITAMINS. Do you willingly just chomp on your vitamin tablets every morning? No, you don’t – that would be psychotic. You want to pad them out with some other mixer or just get rid of them into your guts with water.

Then there’s the consistency issue. Much like the cinnamon challenge thing YouTubers were stupidly doing for a while there, downing a spoonful of Milo is a sure-fire way to end up with particles of malt in your lungs (probably, I’m not a doctor).

It’s not a good time! Why would you do that when you can just put that bad boy in some milk and have a nice milky pop treat?

IDK about you guys but I would prefer to enjoy my Milo rather than struggle to get it down my gullet. Now excuse me while I go make a NORMAL Milo treat for myself.

As a total side note, I just found a 1kg tub of the stuff on Woolies for $9. NINE BUCKS! Fuck off! Gimme.